Howdy Y`all! Yeah, it has been a while but I think it is time to return to this blog of mine and express somethings again. Let`s talk about the fighting spirit. Now, I was born into a situation in which you either had to fight or you sank to the bottom the and died with a boot pressed against your face. That was the way it was and you know what...few things have really changed.
Yeah, I have escaped the mountains of West Virginia in the material sense but those mountains go with me no matter where I find myself. I still find myself being looked down on, written off and treated as if I am simply not good enough. While I have had my highs and lows in Tokyo, much of it has been expressed in this twisted blog, here I am still struggling and still fighting. It is a cruse and a gift to come from such a screwed up background as mine.
Yet, during my journeys across this mud ball called earth, I find others who also have that odd never ending fighting spirit. It clicks in their head that I am the same as them. They find kinship with me and seem to desire to fight with me instead of fighting against me. The under dogs, the forgotten, the unwanted all `get me` so to speak. It always surprises me when I see that spark in someone`s eyes and they brighten up from the most simple act of kindness or very human way I seem to go about interacting with people. It seems very true that birds of a feather will always flocks together.
So, what do to with all that energy that collects in a single space and time?
Well, we are all struggling and we all seems to keep getting a boot to the face despite our best efforts.
We can do something but we must get our shit together. The problem I see it that far too often we allow all the heavy weight of trying to fight it out wear down on us and we get sloppy. Too much drink, too much anger, too much self hate turns us into men who waste that fighting spirit inside of us. Those who keep a boot in our face can clearly see our weaknesses and they take full advantage of it. We must be ready for battle everyday. We have to lean on each other and when one of us starts to slip, we must slap him around and straighten him out. Everyone needs a kick in the ass sometimes but it must be done with a feeling of compassion instead of a feeling of venting anger.
None of us have to fight alone anymore. We can fight with others besides us. So fuck those who want something to get something in return. Fuck those who seek to use us for their own benefit. Let`s create our own, much better way, of doing things. Hard work...love...and standing by each other is what it is all about.
Howdy! It is me again. Everyone`s favorite gaijin rebel. Once again I take to writing on this little blog of mine to express things which are often not expressed when it comes to the topic of Japan. I know, some of you really fucking hate me. Some people out there even think that I am a dumb ass hillybilly without a clue. I am okay with such thinking these days because I am much stronger then when I first started writing this blog. For example, take a look at that picture there. Yeah, that is me. I must have been about 24 in this picture. It was taken in Vegas of all places. I was trying to look good for the lady. She was special to me, and still is, a big part of my life. In those days I was a rebel with no direction nor purpose. I hated the way things were but had no clear idea as to how to change things. All I knew was that I did not like the ways things were. I could feel it in my heart but had no way to clearly express the major problems I saw daily. So...what did I do? Well, I rebelled in every way I could.
I hated the massive amount of racism which surrounded me. So, I decided to refuse to date white women as a rejection of the thinking that white women were better than non-white gals. In fact, my best emotional and sexual experiences have been with non-white women. Taste the world boys, and you will never go back to white gals. I hated how everyone focused on money all the time. So, I started to barter with my friends and avoid exchanging money as much as I could. I offered `other` services in exchange for a bit of `the good life.` The power of the cult of personality became very clear to me at a very early age. If people `like you` you would be surprised what they will do for you in exchange for your time or company. If you can make people feel good either with your ideas or charm, they will give you all the `gold` you could ever want. It still amazes me how I can get people to do things for me just because they `like me.` Yet, all is not perfect in Never Never Land.
Something happened which I did not expect....I got older and my mind aged with my body.
Wisdom is a gift and a curse. I am sure it happened as I left my 20`s. I had spend the majority of my 20`s rebelling against the things I did not like at random. I had no clear plan nor direction. I reacted very naturally without fear of punishment or social backlash. In my late 20`s I got my first taste of hardcore establishment at the highest levels. Think about it, rebellious guy in his late 20`s given total control of an entire area of a company. I was given free reign to do as I wished as long as nothing went wrong. I thought I had achieved exactly what I wanted; having the power to change things from the inside out. Damn...was I wrong.
It did not take long for me to see that something was not as it seemed. I was told to do as I see fit but I also noticed that I got blamed for many things which I had nothing to do with. At first, I brushed it off as assholes being assholes...but that was my biggest mistake. You see, in the corporate world assholes run the show. There are no good people in management so you can get a good picture as to my situation. Shit really does flow in one direction...straight fucking down hill! If one of those assholes could blame me for something, they would do so gladly. So, in my rebellious nature I decided to fight. Little did I know that assholes always play dirty. I underestimated the slimy level assholes will go in order to save their own ass. I was shocked and beside myself by what I witnessed go down. They tried to set everyone up. It made me sick to my stomach and gave me nightmares for months! Yet, I survived it all and came out of it pretty clean. I did lose my so-called title but I did not care about that so much in the first place. I will never forget that experience for as long as I live because it was a turning point on my life. I finally realized what the problem was...greed hate and ego.
It all really comes down to these things; greed, hate and ego.
When I was a little bit younger, I did not realize the driving forces I was playing on to get the things I wanted. Now, I am fully aware, at the age of 32, exactly what drives men and women of power. Give them a chance to make more money; they will love you. Give them a change to take revenge on those they see as a threat; they will love you. Give them a regular boost to their ego; they will consider you as a half god. Yet, the moment you challenge the establishment or do something which puts their power in question, they will come at you with all the rage of hell. It is still shocking for me to see someone change so quickly in regards to their attitude towards me. I have seen men and women go from worshiping the ground I walk on to cursing the same ground to the fires of hell. If I do not make them money, help them destroy others or feed their ego, I must be against them. This is the mind set we, the common people, are dealing with. And in Tokyo, the seat of the national government, greed hate and ego rules over everything.
If you dig deep enough in this blog, you will read about my struggle to understand the darkness which surrounds me. It is a pretty interesting story to say the least. A mountain boy comes to the big bad city of Tokyo. He is amazed by all that he sees. People seem to `like` him. Then once his natural since of justice is exposed, the darkness comes to destroy him. Yet, the hate greed and ego did not destroy me. I am still here and standing taller than before. These days, I am fully aware of whats up and I do not approve. I could easily run but I don`t like the easy way. I would rather stand and fight. You would be surprised by how many good people there actually are in Tokyo. The problem is that they are scared of what is to come. Japan is damn near on the verge of revolution and many people are scared of such things. They don`t know if they should go for it or sit on the fence and wait it out. That is where my foreignness comes into play. If they see that I can break the so-called rules, speak my mind openly and live a life with meaning, well who knows what might happen.
Howdy Yall! I got your attention with the title of this post; didn't I? So recently, I mentioned the Gaijin Bubble in a post and it got some unexpected reactions. It seems few people like to be referred to as living in a Gaijin bubble in Japan. Apparently, the term 'gaijin bubble' is viewed as a negative term among my fellow gaijin. Yet, the truth of the matter is that almost all of us are living in a gaijin bubble.
I am damn sure what caused the knee jerk reaction was the simple fact that I did not include myself as living in a gaijin bubble. I can understand that; really I can. Gaijin can have just as much of a tight net community as the Japanese can. If someone implies, 'I am not one of you,' of course a strong reaction might be coming. Well, I can assure you that was not my intention at all. In fact, if it is not clear enough by now, I am a fucking gaijin. I am most likely a classic example of a white bread trailer trash gaijin you will ever come across. Despite my best efforts, I still fail to be accepted as being a part of Japanese society. Yet, I still give it my best shot anyway. And this brings me to why I am writing this post. To my mind, all of us are living in a gaijin bubble due to two very key reasons. First, we are silently excluded from Japanese society. Secondly, due to the silent exclusion, we look to find kinship with other gaijin who are also excluded from Japanese society. And one of the things none of us will ever admit is that, deep down inside, we have a sort of hatred and love for each other. I know what some of you may be thinking, 'What the fuck is this hill billy from the mountains of West Virginia talking about?' Well, please allow me to explain in more detail.
Okay. First we need to get this whole silent exclusion thing explained. I know that a lot of us try damn hard to speak the language, learn the basic mannerisms, grow to love the food and all that jazz. Yet, you and I both know that we will always be viewed as gaijin. This is a cultural fact about Japan. It is something almost everyone knows about but few people will admit. So, maybe I am the first one to say this fact openly. Though, most Japanese don't want to be rude about it so they practice a silent exclusion as to avoid making gaijin feeling more awkward then we already do. In my experience, when you get too close to being a 'insider' as opposed to being an 'outsider,' Japan will back away from you and simply shut you out. This is the truth and most people know it.
Alright, we got the whole silent exclusion out of the way. Now, let's mention the kinship thing a bit.
It is only natural for someone to seek out kinship when they are being marginalized. You want to buddy up with people who are going though the same struggle as you. This is natural and healthy. In fact, it is very important part of living in Japan as a gaijin. You must have at least a few buddies who will not drive you insane. I have my little gang of gaijin buddies I run with and I am sure most of us do as well. I also have a little gang of Japanese buddies I run with, but of course it is not the same(we call ourselves the dirty Adachi gang just for kicks). Rolling with each group is a very different experience. When I am with my gaijin buddies the kinship is so clear that it seems as if we have known each other from birth. Yet, at the same time there is an unspoken level of aggression which could turn ugly at any moment. Some of you may have seen me interacting with one or two of my gaijin buddies and the aggression must be funny and scary at the same time. That is were the hate factor comes into play.
Oh yeah! Gaijin do in fact hate each other to a certain extent. It is very rarely talked about but it is there all the same. There is a feeling among many gaijin, myself included, that we must never take a shot at each other for any given reason. Even when we fuck each other over, it seems that if we air that shit out in the open it is considered the ultimate of sins. Everyone's ego and pride must be protected like a 16 year old's masturbation habit. Don't believe me, try it for yourself. Call someone out on their shit and you will witness a fire breathing dragon of hate which will rival the likes of even this guy. So yeah, there is always an unspoken level of hate and aggression just under the surface of most gaijin kinship.All that said, I do have a few buddies who I don't feel any aggression toward. I can only think of one or two.
Alright, now that I have explained what I mean by a 'gaijin bubble' in great detail, I hope you found this post very interesting. I am a very social person so maybe I notice these more than other people. I have been guilty of everything in this post at least once. At the same time, I don't like most of the things I mentioned in this post; this post is simply what I have experienced. I am sure the comments section of this post might get a little hot, but that is alright by me because somethings need to be talked about openly. Let's make the most of this opportunity to discuss a few things we don't normally get the chance to talk about. Maybe you see things a bit differently, so please express yourself. And remember, I love you all very deeply.
Howdy yall. Here I am again writing late at night. I feel to need to do another one of these late night writing purges. You see gang during all the earthquakes and nuclear fallout fears something far more darker is creeping my way. Truth be told, there are few things I actually fear. Yet, my deepest fear looks to be headed my way in a raw and unforgiving manner.
There are many things you can take from a man and not break him. Although, if the one thing which gives him purpose and reason for living is removed from his life he will be broken. The one thing which gives me purpose seems to be slipping away from me. I hate to admit this but I am struggling to come up with a way to keep what is so dear to my heart. My entire adult life has been focused on only one person. All I know is this one person. When I get right down to it she is my life. I know that matters of the heart is something which turns a lot of people off. There is so much pain in our post-modern world that it can be hard for others to have mercy for those whose lives are being crushed. Yet, I fear this is what is happening to me.
This might very well be the first time I have written so openly about this topic. I tend to shy away form this kind of thing when writing but this blog is an expression of my life for better or worse. It really looks like the love of my life is leaving me. It is hard to put into words how I am feeling at this moment. She really is all I know to be true and good in this dark twisted world. Things are on the verge of ending in explosive fashion. Looks as if I will lose everything this time. The hardest thing to give up is this long deep bond I have with another human being. I am 31 now so that means I have been with this gal for 12 years. As the reality of her disappearing sets in I feel something eating away at me. It started in the pit of my stomach and has been spreading throughout my body. It has made it to the tips of my fingers and has begun clouding my mind with a blanket of darkness. I have never felt this way before. I don`t know what this is exactly. I can only describe it as a kind of death. A part of me is dying and I can feel it.
The effects are very unexpected to say the least. There is this disconnection I am feeling towards other people. I cannot feel the warmth and presence of others like I used to in the past. They are like balls of clay to me. This is not a pleasant experience. I find myself crossing the street without even looking. I have developed a total lack of concern for things around me. I have tunnel vision. I can only see my face of my darling in my mind. Everything else is just a means to an end. Work has become a chore of greed and money. As these effects set in I can see myself slowly becoming someone very different from what I am today. I really don`t want to end up one of those jaded empty souls known as divorced husbands.
Despite all of these things, I will battle on in an attempt to keep the one person who has given me purpose all these years. She really is all I know. She is so connected to my life that I fear I cannot life alone. I know it is shocking to read me write such a thing. It is shocking for me to admit this to myself. If she really does end up disappearing from my life, I will have to take a hard look at my ability to survive without her. A divorce will mean I lose almost everything. I will not have much to speak of. Living as a spartan would be calling it an understatement. I have no life to return to in the states so Japan is effectively my home. The visa issue will be a mess of shit I cannot even start to understand clearly right now. Every step of the way over the past 12 years she has been by my side helping me. It seems that she may have helped me too much as I think of all the things I will have to handle by myself.
As the situation may end up really bad I am holding on to the little hope that our bond will not be broken. The magic spark which has kept us connected all these years might somehow pull us back together. If it cannot then I face one of the darkest periods in my life.
Ah yes...the life of a ghost in Tokyo is getting complex....
