You Can Sleep When You are Dead

Howdy Y'all! So, there has been an odd side effect of a mental breakdown that I have not been dealing with. In fact, I have pretty much chosen to play it off and hope it goes away. Despite my best efforts, it just will not go away. I think my body has forgotten how to sleep. I know that sounds crazy, but it sure as hell feels like my body has simply forgotten how to maintain a steady sleep pattern. I have experienced this kind of thing before but not like it has been over the past few months.

During my college days, I was known to operate on very little sleep. It was not uncommon to see me show up for class looking pretty ragged out. I would stay up and either study or do drugs for days on end. It freaked folks out sometimes. I remember once I showed up for a creative writing class to recite a short story I had wrote. I looked like the walking dead. My eyes were totally blood shot and my jeans actually had blood on them(bloody jeans due to cutting the shit out my face while shaving before class). I recited a story I had written while on a all night Jack Daniels and weed bender. Everyone in the damn class, including the teacher, just stared at me with a look of horror as I recited a story about a guy who could not remember if he was alive or dead. I pretty sure the entire situation scared the living shit out of everyone. Damn teacher even asked me what as up after class. I told her the cold dirty truth, 'I was up all night smoking weed, drinking jack and writing this story.' She never asked me about my personal life again.

But that was then and this is now....

Now, the cause of my inability to drift off into dreamland is a bit different. One of the side effects of Bi-polar is something called cycling. Cycling causes you to not sleep. This sucks a big green donkey dick but facts are facts sadly. I have been trying to find a way to force my body into a somewhat regular sleep pattern but so far nothing has worked. I usually end up rolling around in the bed for hour after hour until I give up. It is not a constant problem. Sometimes I will be able to sleep pretty well for about a week or two before this shit flares up again. It kind of comes and goes.

I have pin pointed what causes my body to lose a regular sleeping habit. When something happens which I cannot resolve emotionally, my mind just gets stuck in a loop trying to work things out in my mind. Since I am a man, my chemical make up makes my mind attempt to rationalize every damn thing. Unfortunately, my emotions flow free like an untouched river hidden deep in the Appalachian Mountains. So, I can slip into a mental freeze up a bit easier than I really desire. I can compare it to pulling off a balancing act at a circus while tripping your balls off on some mushrooms. It will take some time for me to convince my since of logic that it really is just all in my head.

So, I might as well take advantage of the situation. This whole lack of sleep things actually increases my creativity. My writing is a bit more on point and I can get some pretty deep, and bitch ass long fucking time to read, research done. The kind of things I research tend to take a hell of a lot of time to read though and digest. I can also complete a few things I was looking forward to in some crazy ass computer game I should have never gotten hooked on in the first place.

Although, I should not consider the advantages to be so positive. Not being able to maintain a regular sleep pattern is nothing to take lightly. I will have to come up with a plan to limit these manic periods. I am sure it will fuck up my head and body in the long run. I will give this some thought in dream land as I am finally starting to feel sleepy. If I can get about five hours of sleep I will be just fine for another twisted day in Japan.

What do all of you suggest? Better yet, have any of you experienced something similar? Feel free to share your own experiences with lack of sleep as well as suggestions.

2011: A year of Self Discovery in a Nation Brought to It's Knees

Howdy Y'all! it has been a while since I have wrote to all of you. I took over a month off from this blog of mine. I decided that before I scribble down anymore digital rambles, I needed to sort out a few things. I wanted a bit of time to reflect and focus on a few other items of interest. To speak the dirty truth, I actually have been writing my hill billy ass off just not here in this blog. I have been writing a few more articles for America20xy.com. You can check out the site by clicking on the link provided. I have also been working on a collection of ten short fiction stories based on the underbelly of social issues in Japan. The stories will fit into the pulp genre of writing. I hope to have them all finished by the end of January; self publish sometime after that. I have also been keeping up with making Youtube vids, but I think I need to rethink the way I am doing those vids. Check out my channel by clicking here.

Although, this blog post is much more than me simply giving an update on my writing. As y'all know 2011 has been one hell of a year for me. For starters, this blog took a much more raw edge compared to years past. I have held very little back this year and choose instead to present a more real and raw experience of my life in Tokyo. What I did not realize when I started to write more raw was that 2011 would be a major year of self discovery for me. After years pushing certain mental weaknesses into the deep dark spaces of my mind, everything found a way to come to the surface in bombastic fashion. I have spend the majority of this year working out a lot of things about myself. Y'all have been witness to some of my struggle by reading this blog. Yet, it is time for me to reflect a bit.

I am damn sure that my mental health came into question after the massive earthquake hit Japan earlier this year. I, along with most humans living on this island, have never experienced something on the same magnitude as what has happened in Japan this year. After a massive earthquake, deadly tsunami and multi nuclear power core meltdowns a lot of gaijin bailed on Japan. I can really understand why so many people left; but I stayed because my life is in Japan. Also, when you think about it the Japanese don't have the option to leave Japan. So, it has been interesting to stay in Japan with people who have no option but to stay. Although, staying here, and dealing with the stress of the situation, caused something to snap some place deep in my mind. I think it took about two months after the quake for me to start having cracks in the armor. It started with anger. I found myself really fucking pissed off almost everyday. It got to the point in which I could not go one day without getting angry as a bull.

I guess it came from the cold blooded nature of a lot of people I interacted with after the quake. People I had known for years for saying some of the most asshole cold blooded shit I had ever heard. I remember one thing which was really over the top. I asked a co-worker of mine at the time if he thought it was wrong that our company was firing and/or threatening to fire people for leaving Japan for a week or two after the quake. His answer was the most heartless thing I had never heard. He said, 'They signed a deal to work. They are not following policy by suddenly taking time off work so they deserve to be fired. Fuck them!' It took everything inside of me not to slap the taste out of his mouth. I dealt with a lot of assholes during the first few weeks after the quake. People were being so fucked up, more than usual in Tokyo, that it was maddening to say the least. The news reports I was writing at the time also brought me a fair share of shit from people I never expected. I had one 'trusted friend' who attacked me for reporting the the nuclear cores at Fukushima has melted down. He pretty much told me that I was a liar and stupid for reporting such a thing. Oh yeah, that was a wonderful thing to hear from a friend. It seemed that every heartless asshole in Tokyo was floating though my life at that time. It was as if I had became a magnet for fucked up folks. People were operating way over their stress level and viewed me as a rock solid hill billy you could handle anything thrown at him. Well, the truth is that I also have a limit for how much stress and bullshit I can handle before I break.

The anger wore off after a lot of insane attempts to purge it from myself. I was left with P.T.S. and a slew of other things which had boiled to the surface.  In order to deal with the massive conflict my mind split a bit. Let me tell y'all that I was told by a doctor years ago that was bi-polar. I was even on meds for it when I was younger. Although, I was under the impression that had it under control. This summer I was proven wrong because my Bi-polar reared it's ugly head at exactly the wrong time in my life. Suffering from Bi-polar can really fucking suck at times. For the entire summer of 2011 I was caught in what is known as cycling. People who are bi-polar, simply put, have two extreme sides to their personality. It is the same person but with two very distinct emotional view points. Bi-ploar is very different from split personality. People who suffer from split personality have to very distinct personalities which they cannot control on their own. With that said, cycling is a state in which a bi-polar person switches from one polar extreme to the other at random. It is really painful mentally. When I am cycling, sleep is very hard to come by and I have trouble understanding other folks perspectives. The only positive to it is that I become highly creative and my mind operates really fast. So, you can image what four months of cycling must be like.

I did a lot of crazy shit during the summer of 2011 in Tokyo, Japan. A lot of it I did not mention on this blog because I did not really understand why I was doing those things. I mean damn, I got into bar fights, heated arguments, drank like a fish, slept on the streets several times and spent a lot of my time diving head first into the dark parts of Tokyo. I was totally out of control. Yet, the entire time I was trying to control it all. I had so many conversations with myself in which I would talk things out. It scared me a bit because I was having full conversations with myself on a regular basis. A lot of twisted sick ideas went though my head so I had to talk myself out of a lot of insane shit. It was not until Aug. that I finally sought out professional help. It has really help going to these sessions. I talk with a professional therapist, who speaks English, about once every two weeks. This person knows a lot about the human mind that I don't so I have been able to work out a lot of things.

The thing that I have learned that has really helped is that I must accept both sides of my bi-polar personality. A bi-polar personality will compete with itself. The mind will try to find a constant which causes conflict with a bi-polar personality. So, when I start cycling the best thing to do is to accept both emotional reactions and let my own logic sort out which response is natural and which one is a result of bi-polar. I know that sounds a bit nuts but it actually works for me. I can be a heavenly angel or a hard ass demon at a moments notice so I must give my mind time to sort out which emotion I am naturally feeling. It sounds really complex and requires a lot of concentration, but I have gotten it down to the point in which is only takes a few minutes to sort out. When people see me a bit quit or appearing to be a little uncomfortable is it because I am cycling and need a few minutes to sort it out. I think there are a lot of people around me these days who understand that and tend to let me be. It is a nice change of pace these days. When I am in a social setting with people who have known me for a while, they usually let me choose how pro active I wish to be. If I just wanna hang out and not say much, more people are willing to let me do so.

With all of that, I also realized that I needed to get the fuck away from Japan for a bit. Truth be told, as much I have come to love this island nation, there is a unforgiving attitude taken towards mental health in Japan. I was lucky to find a shrink who would see me; and speak fluent English. So, I did get the fuck out of Japan for a bit. I hauled my ass to Vietnam for a little while. I am aware of the clear irony of an American libertarian living in Tokyo going to Vietnam for a little holiday. I laughed about it myself over several bottles of wine in Ho Chi Mein with my travel partner. Yet, spending some time in Ho Chi Mein was damn good for me. Shockingly enough, Ho Chi Mein is a rather liberal city for a communist nation. In Tokyo, I have to really search sometimes to find a true open liberal(in the libertarian sense of the term) environment. In Ho Chi Mein I was able to walk down the street without people staring at me. Some people would even strike up a conversation with me and be generally friendly. I spent a lot of time getting myself back on track. Y'all can see the picture I included in this post; right? Well, that is me well balanced and thinking clearly. There was no nutty shit inside of my head. I was relaxed and in control.

The experienced allowed me to come to a new way of thinking. Chris from Confessions of a bad boy in Japan first brought this to my attention and I feel it makes perfect sense; 'I am not living in their world; they are living in mine.' Such a mind set finally hit me one night in Ho Chi Mein. I was in a five star hotel drinking a fine bottle of wine. I went out on to the balcony to enjoy the wonderfully warm night air. I saw all the chaos on the street. The road was a mess of chaotic coming and going of cars, trucks and motorbikes. I thought to myself; 'Look at all of those damn people. They are fucking off the traffic rules and driving the way which best matches the situation. They are pretty much interacting with other drivers on their own terms. For them, everyone is living in their world.' So, why not deal with everyone on my own terms? Japan is a nation which can break even the strongest person. The pressure to be a bottom feeding zombie is so great here that demanding others deal with you on your terms can be a very painful experience. Although, I don't have to play ball with any sorry ass social game. I love Japan, but I often find myself judging the social structure as really fucking childish. The whole idea that no one is allowed to stand out or be unique leads to a lot of childish behavior and jealously. I have seen a lot of Japanese freak the fuck out because someone had success doing something a little different. A lot of foreigners do the same shit. I don't have to play that shit with anyone. In fact, I have learned to laugh my ass off at such people. Yeah, it makes some people really angry when I laugh in their face but they had it coming.

Anyway, 2011 has been one hell of a year. I have been though a bit of hell and I am stronger for it. I am not out of the wood work just yet but I am doing a whole lot better. 2012 looks bright.

Tokyo Ghost:Reboot V2.0 Satanis OS

Before I sat down to write this post I had to really think about how I will express my state of mind. Yeah, I am suffering a mental breakdown. I can be honest and admit that fact. Some people have reached out and offered me support. One person, a guy I have known for years, actually sat down and had noodles and coffee with me recently. He let me talk about a lot of things and gave some advice. He had experienced the same thing I can going though so he could relate to the pain I am experiencing. He knows who is he and I am deeply thankful for this support. I also ended up calling an emergency outreach outline which provide help in English. There has been a massive outpouring of support from the internet. People have come out of the wood work to offer words of support and love. I am thankful to every person who has taken the time to give a damn about me. With that said, the long process of the total reboot is now under way.

I now understand I have a dark nature which I must admit to fully. For too long I have refused to admit to myself that there is a darkness which lives in me. Everyone has a certain amount of darkness in them but with me it is a little different. My darkness is like an alter-ego of sorts. It is kind of like a `super` version of myself which has been there for a long time. I think it started when I was a kid. I grew up very rough and my father was a hard drinking violent man who taught me to be tough as nails and fight for my very life. I still remember how he used to pick fist fights with me in order to `toughen me up.` I think it was that `kill or be killed attitude` which was the spark of my darkness. If it was not for my mother`s grace I would most likely be dead by now. That is the past; this is now.

Now I am a grown man living in Tokyo Japan. So far, I have lived my life with a rawness which would break most people...and yes I have finally broke. I have let this odd nature of mine become too much for my mind to handle. For years it lay hidden with only a select group of people able to clearly see that I had a major problem. All the stresses of living, not only in a foreign land, but also in a huge metro area has finally brought out the issues with my mental state to the surface. Almost out of no where my behavior became extreme and a bit dangerous. Even now I am struggling to get a handle on everything. Yet, I have established some ground rules.

I don`t like bars anymore. Yeah, I said it. Fuck all that boozing and general bullshit! It is actually not all the fun. Most people are drinking for the wrong reasons. Most people are out there to get drunk, laid or to pick a fight. All three of those things are not really a big interest in my life. Drinking does not help anything. If I want to have sex I don`t have to go very far to get it. Nothing good comes from fighting. So, what is the point of going to a bar? It really does not offer me much.

Most people are not worth my time and effort. They don`t care about me. I would rather focus on people who do care about me and people who I care and love than run around with a gang of sorry fucks who will not stand by me. I know a lot of people who always want to go out drinking with me but they never really spend any time with me. They don`t know me at all. Why am I giving these people any of my valuable time and energy? I really don`t need a lot of people in my life. Most people are just going to give me stress and use me. Fuck most people; seriously!

Choosing my battles. Yeah, this is a big one. Life is full of battles. Most of the drama is not worth my time. Of course I could spend my life going at it with every little shithead who makes my life harder than it should be but it is just not worth it. I prefer peace and love not war and hate. I am learning to accept that some people will cause static for me no matter what I do. I need to brush off people`s shit and move on. My happiness is too important to me to be bothered with constant drama.

Living life for myself. This is something I have not really done for many years. I did not realize it but I have been trying to make the world happy. What I have gotten in return is a massive amount of negative energy and abuse. It is sad to say but most people will use me if I try to please them. My life is about me and only me. I don`t have to make anyone happy if I choose not to do so. I deserve to be happy as well. My personal happiness and peace of mind should be number one. If someone cannot understand that then fuck their sorry ass!

So yeah, the new improved me will be a bit more satanic. I must be a bit more self-centered than I have never been before. Those who believe in me and show me true kindness and love will get the same return to them 200 percent. Everyone else can fuck off! That is the way it has to be in order for me to not go crazy. I have a darkness in me and I have to learn to live with it. It could actually be my advantage if I can learn to control the darker parts of my personality. In order for me to control it there must be some ground rules. I am having a mental breakdown because I was unable to accept who I am. Love or hate me; I will be me. Negative energy is not good for me. It only feeds the darkness inside of me. I think I can manage the natural levels of darkness in my personality as long as it is not fueled by all the shit which tears me down. I want to take in positive energy as much as I can. It feels better and it is good for me overall.

It will take time for me to fully repair my mind but at least now I have some ground rules. There are things which will no longer be acceptable for me anymore. If anyone tries to put negative energy in me, use and abuse me or pushes me to do things I am not okay with then they need to go far far away.

System Error: Shut Down Advised

Okay. Yeah, things are been crazy recently. I am not talking about the good kind of crazy either. Something has finally boiled to the surface after a long time of simmering. Something inside of me has exploded. I cannot say that I did not see it coming. In fact, I knew it would happen one day. For years I have known that one day I would crack up. I am struggling to understand exactly what do. Mental health is not something dealt with very well in Japan. From what I have noticed it is consider a weakness rather than a serious problem which needs attention. No wonder there are so many crazy ass people in Tokyo. There is just not a lot of help for people here. So what do I do?

Over the last few days my behavior has become beyond extreme. It is like there is another person living inside of me. It just kind of takes me over with little notice. I am not a doctor or an expert about this kind of stuff but I do know how my mind is reacting. I can feel something happen with me. It kind of like my mind is split a bit. Suddenly, I have these two every extreme side to me. One side is very friendly, warm, loving and forgiving. The other side is cold, brutal, aggressive and prone to random acts of hate. It started showing itself about eight months ago but my mind was still trying to fight it off. It was like when I computer get a virus. At first the computer attempts to contain it to prevent any major damage until the user finds a way to kill it. That is exactly what my mind has been doing. Although, the user, in this case me, did not deal with the problem. So maybe my mind has logically decided to split in order to maintain myself. Like I said, I am not a doctor but this is what my head feels like currently.

I kind of understand what triggers it. Anytime I feel fear, doubt, confusion, or threatened this other side of me takes over. I become angry and focused like a tiger in the wild. I say things which should never be said. I do things which might get me killed. In general, I become a totally different person. It is not always extreme. It could be something as simple as saying something brutal to someone who makes me feel threatened. For example, when I am crushed on the train words like asshole and `you fuckers` fly out of my mouth. I know the situation cannot be helped but I give static all the same. Other times it can be much more extreme. As another example, I recently ended up getting into a fight at a bar. There was this really drunk women at the bar and she kept hating on me the entire evening. Just being disrespectful and not nice at all. When she started attacking my Americanism that is when I snapped. We got into a heated argument about America. Her boyfriend asked me to leave and that is when I took a swing at him. This guy was twice my size and could have easily killed me. Instead, he gently took a hold of and `dude get the hell out of here.` I think he saved my life. Yeah, I am avoiding bars for a good long time.

I am unable to go with the flow anymore. It is like my mind is at war with it self. Communication is becoming difficult for me. Talking to people who are gentle to me or while I am teaching is no problem. Actually, I think my English lessons have been a lot better recently. It is like I put a lot of energy into teaching as a way to clear my head. It feels better than ever to see the smiles and efforts of the students. They give me joy.

I have got to work this shit out soon. I cannot be sure I am right about everything I have written here because I am not trained to fully understand the human mind. I am sure that there must be a way to get this under control. Actually, I must get this problem under control. If I can find a way to manage these outbreaks to the point in which they don`t happen so often then I should be okay. I wanted to share this with yall because I don`t have a lot of people to talk to about this.

Journey to the Center of My Mind Pt. 2

Howdy! Here we are again, digging around in my mind. It is a very uncomfortable place to be; as I have found. Yet, what choice to I have? It is my fucking mind after all. You see, recently I have been pushed to the edge. A lot of things have built up inside of me. I have smacked into too many brick walls which has caused me to explode with an anger which worries me. I did not realize I was filled with such an anger. While I still refuse to engage in a vision quest, I do need to figure out what is going on inside of my mind. So, lets explore shall we?

I remember something my daddy told me once. He said, `Boy. A job is not a job, it is an opportunity.` My father died from a drug O.D. several years ago but his words were burned into my mind. My father was a scum bag but at least he worked damn hard. With that said, I have noticed a very disturbing trend. The harder I work the harder I get fucked in the ass by sub par pricks who advanced in their careers by playing politics instead by good old fashioned hard work. I really have a strong distaste for politics at work.

Here is an example:

I was working at one of the numerous branches. The company likes to spread me so thin that I hardly remember the names of the students; but that is another matter all together. For a long time I have been writing my own lessons because the textbook really is shit to me at this point. `Official` company policy is that all lessons must be taught from that damn book. I cover my ass by always telling a student to refer to one of the lessons from the book. The lesson had gone down pretty good and the student enjoyed the lesson well enough. There was a mid-level Japanese manager at the branch that day. I know this bitch very well. She has a habit of stealing everyone`s thunder and taking credit for everything she can. She is a social climber and a real snake in the grass. Student tells her that he enjoyed the lesson. This bitch sits there and goes on and on about how `valuable` the text book is. Remember, she saw me pull my own lesson from my bag and print out copies. She knew that I had used my own material and did not use the book. Yet, she totally discredited everything I had just done. Instead, she steals all my hard work and gives credit to `the system.` A system I did not use and had nothing to do with the lesson I created and used for the lesson. When the student leaves, this bitch smiles at me with a shit eating grin as to say, `I fucked you again gaijin. I will never give you credit for anything.`

It is this kind of shit which is starting to have a very negative effect on my mind.

I am not the best teacher in the world. There are a lot of things I still need to learn even after several years of being a teacher. WTF? At least give credit where credit is due. All the backstabbing underhanded shit is really starting to boil my blood and filling me a deep hatred for humanity. This is not good for my mental or spiritual well being. I could quit but I got to think about taking care of my gal. I do look around the job market a lot Most of the gigs out there right now are set up in a way to kill off all creativity and reduce the teacher to nothing more than a gaijin puppet to be used as a cash cow profit making machine. At least the company I am working for now will let me have some sort of creative control and pays we decently well. They are just so damn stubborn to give a foreigner credit for anything. It is like the Japanese management have some sort of block in their brain. They cannot admit the hard work of any foreigner. This is not unique to Japan. The same thing happens in America. If you are a foreigner in America a lot of people will take advantage of you. Japan is just a bit more out in the open about it.

All I want is credit for my hard work. Being discredited for my hard work is really twisting my head up big time. Tokyo is a rough ass city. The daily stress of living in the city can be enough to drive someone to madness. While I have adjusted to the rough and tumble Tokyo lifestyle, the whole idea of keeping me under a boot in order to advance other people`s political agenda at work is creating a lot of hate in my heart. I see too much of the bad side of humanity. Too many lairs and sold-out blood thirsty fuckers come at me looking to suck me dry all the damn time. Everyone wants something from me. Well, I want something too. A little damn respect would be nice. At least stop fucking with me. I don`t want all this hate in my heart. I am only human. I am left with the option to attempt to take it all on the chin. The people who run my company are fucked up. I must learn to accept this or else I will go crazy.        

Journey to the Center of My Mind

Here we are again yall. Another muse from the gaijin ghost of Tokyo. I have been real intense the past two months. At times I have been a real asshole. As usual, I have been fighting to survive. It has been like this all my life. It is just the way it is I guess. Yet, I have long since abandoned my own personal vision quest. Most folks spend their entire lives on a vision quest. Living their lives in tunnel vision. It is a wonderful way to live actually. Ya don`t have to be bothered with the concerns of what is happening around ya. The world could turn to shit and you would never know it. I stopped my vision quest at the age of 24.

At the tender age of 24 I decided who I was and what I was all about. I decided that my only choice was to fight for my own survival. I had been raised damn poor. I had struggled to make it as far as college. I felt that I was lucky to be alive. I realized that I will always be held underwater. It is Ryan Vs. The World. So, here I am now living in Japan. The struggles carries on it seems.

While I deeply love Tokyo, I still find myself at odds with the world at large. I don`t fit in, even among fellow gaijin. I don`t admit this very often but I often feel awkward when attending large parties with co-workers or drinking at a crowded bar. In the back of my mind this little voice says, `Fuck these people. They don`t really care about you and would most likely sell you out in a heart beat.` I try real hard to resist the emotions which are sparked inside of me when I hear that little voice speak to me. It is kind of like going against my gut feeling and submitting to logic. Yet, damn near every time I allow pure logic to rule over my judgment, I end up saying something I shouldn`t or someone takes advantage of me. As long as I stay on my guard everything is mostly okay. As soon as I cast off my natural keenness and gut reactions something get out of wrack.. This is not to say that people cannot make my heart bleed from time to time.

This is where things get complex. You see I know that most folks are little fucking snakes in the grass. There are a hell of a lot of people who will take advantage of me and step on me for their own gain. This raw fact of humanity makes it very hard to know when to bring the iron fist or the soft hand. Recently I have been using only the iron fist. I usually do that when I feel powerless or under an extended amount of high stress. Asshole Ryan is a very hard person to deal with. Even when people are trying to help me I will not trust them if I feel I am in a oppressive situation. Put me in a corner and I will come out fighting with all guns blazing. Everyone becomes a target and no one is spared my rage. It is shitty of me to be like that but too many years of having to fight to survive causes me to adopt this mindset. On the other hand it is hard for me to resist a person who is showing weakness. If I cannot see someone in situations which they need to make a moral judgment, their crying, grace, smiles or general down to earth attitude can confuse me and cause me to let my guard down. Unless I got some background or reference as a base, extremely friendly people concern me.

Still, I find myself having a deep sense of sympathy for my fellow humans. We are just rats running around in a grid controlled by truly vile pieces of shit. Those really running the show are far darker and twisted than anything us slaves could work up the balls to hold up as some kind of sick moral fiber. In the middle of defending myself from the rest of the rats and slave masters, I somehow still have a strong sense of love, honor and manhood firmly ingrained into my head.

Yeah, taking a journey into the center of my mind is not easy for me. There is some major screws loose along with several demons which need to be dealt with.