Americans Starting to Finally Crack Up. Summers Shootings Sign of a Weak Society

Howdy Yall! You know, from time to time I think it is important that I write about the old country. That place on the other side of the planet called The United States of America. This summer has been a little rough on my fellow countrymen. They have been dealing with a harsh heatwave; which I am sure has made some of them regret all those donuts they ate. Also, there has been several dark and twisted shootings this summer which have shocked the American society and been the endless topic of discussion on countless on-line forums. Most of the discussions have been focused on the old pro/anti gun debate. That debate, in my opinion, is like beating on a dead horse. I will not get into that here in my blog. Don`t ask me to do it either. My take of these recent shootings is a bit different and often refused to be talked about.

Random violence carried about by unhinged people is a sign of a weak society, a break down of social duty and communities based on social status rather than human bonds.

That`s right America! You have allowed yourself to become a society of greedy, self absorbed, weak little piggies who have little or no concern for your own surroundings. Ask most Americans what their neighbor does to make money and most likely they cannot tell you. Hell, ask them what their neighbor`s name is and what their hobbies are and you will get the same answer. It appears painfully clear that human bonds are at an all time low in America. People simply don`t give a fuck about each other anymore. This is exactly why nut jobs are able to fester in a local community until one day they snap and kill a boat load of people. No one gives a damn what crazy Charlie across the street is thinking and doing everyday until he starts shooting people. Then you want to lock him up in jail and forget about him. Everyone will put all the blame on Charlie without giving a second thought about societies failure to keep an eye on him. It is true that before someone goes on a killing spree there are plenty of signs that they are planning to do it. For example: If you see your neighbor hanging out with Neo-Nazi, talking to himself or doing odd things at all times of the day or night you might want to keep an eye on them or try to talk to them. You might prevent something dark and twisted from happening.

Yet, few people will do anything until it is too late. After a shooting rampage people always say things like, `I knew he was crazy` or `I knew he was up to something.` Well, if you knew something was up why did you sit back and not try to find out if your neighbor was getting ready to go off? Were you lazy, shy, scared or just so self-absorbed that you thought it was not your problem? Well, when you family and friends are dead on the street it is your problem.

You see how that works?

If you want to have a safe community, then you have to be part of creating a strong community. There is no logic to be found in simply saying it is not your problem until something happens. As long as society is self absorbed and weak, you will have a high number of twisted people just waiting for the day to go off and kill innocents.

Something to think about.

The Redneck Knows Whats up! Asshole!

Howdy! It is me again. Everyone`s favorite gaijin rebel. Once again I take to writing on this little blog of mine to express things which are often not expressed when it comes to the topic of Japan. I know, some of you really fucking hate me. Some people out there even think that I am a dumb ass hillybilly without a clue. I am okay with such thinking these days because I am much stronger then when I first started writing this blog. For example, take a look at that picture there. Yeah, that is me. I must have been about 24 in this picture. It was taken in Vegas of all places. I was trying to look good for the lady. She was special to me, and still is, a big part of my life. In those days I was a rebel with no direction nor purpose. I hated the way things were but had no clear idea as to how to change things. All I knew was that I did not like the ways things were. I could feel it in my heart but had no way to clearly express the major problems I saw daily. So...what did I do? Well, I rebelled in every way I could.

I hated the massive amount of racism which surrounded me. So, I decided to refuse to date white women as a rejection of the thinking that white women were better than non-white gals. In fact, my best emotional and sexual experiences have been with non-white women. Taste the world boys, and you will never go back to white gals. I hated how everyone focused on money all the time. So, I started to barter with my friends and avoid exchanging money as much as I could. I offered `other` services in exchange for a bit of `the good life.` The power of the cult of personality became very clear to me at a very early age. If people `like you` you would be surprised what they will do for you in exchange for your time or company. If you can make people feel good either with your ideas or charm, they will give you all the `gold` you could ever want. It still amazes me how I can get people to do things for me just because they `like me.` Yet, all is not perfect in Never Never Land.

Something happened which I did not expect....I got older and my mind aged with my body.

Wisdom is a gift and a curse. I am sure it happened as I left my 20`s. I had spend the majority of my 20`s rebelling against the things I did not like at random. I had no clear plan nor direction. I reacted very naturally without fear of punishment or social backlash. In my late 20`s I got my first taste of hardcore establishment at the highest levels. Think about it, rebellious guy in his late 20`s given total control of an entire area of a company. I was given free reign to do as I wished as long as nothing went wrong. I thought I had achieved exactly what I wanted; having the power to change things from the inside out. Damn...was I wrong.

It did not take long for me to see that something was not as it seemed. I was told to do as I see fit but I also noticed that I got blamed for many things which I had nothing to do with. At first, I brushed it off as assholes being assholes...but that was my biggest mistake. You see, in the corporate world assholes run the show. There are no good people in management so you can get a good picture as to my situation. Shit really does flow in one direction...straight fucking down hill! If one of those assholes could blame me for something, they would do so gladly. So, in my rebellious nature I decided to fight. Little did I know that assholes always play dirty. I underestimated the slimy level assholes will go in order to save their own ass. I was shocked and beside myself by what I witnessed go down. They tried to set everyone up. It made me sick to my stomach and gave me nightmares for months! Yet, I survived it all and came out of it pretty clean. I did lose my so-called title but I did not care about that so much in the first place. I will never forget that experience for as long as I live because it was a turning point on my life. I finally realized what the problem was...greed hate and ego.

It all really comes down to these things; greed, hate and ego.

When I was a little bit younger, I did not realize the driving forces I was playing on to get the things I wanted. Now, I am fully aware, at the age of 32, exactly what drives men and women of power. Give them a chance to make more money; they will love you. Give them a change to take revenge on those they see as a threat; they will love you. Give them a regular boost to their ego; they will consider you as a half god. Yet, the moment you challenge the establishment or do something which puts their power in question, they will come at you with all the rage of hell. It is still shocking for me to see someone change so quickly in regards to their attitude towards me. I have seen men and women go from worshiping the ground I walk on to cursing the same ground to the fires of hell. If I do not make them money, help them destroy others or feed their ego, I must be against them. This is the mind set we, the common people, are dealing with. And in Tokyo, the seat of the national government, greed hate and ego rules over everything.

If you dig deep enough in this blog, you will read about my struggle to understand the darkness which surrounds me. It is a pretty interesting story to say the least. A mountain boy comes to the big bad city of Tokyo. He is amazed by all that he sees. People seem to `like` him. Then once his natural since of justice is exposed, the darkness comes to destroy him. Yet, the hate greed and ego did not destroy me. I am still here and standing taller than before. These days, I am fully aware of whats up and I do not approve. I could easily run but I don`t like the easy way. I would rather stand and fight. You would be surprised by how many good people there actually are in Tokyo. The problem is that they are scared of what is to come. Japan is damn near on the verge of revolution and many people are scared of such things. They don`t know if they should go for it or sit on the fence and wait it out. That is where my foreignness comes into play. If they see that I can break the so-called rules, speak my mind openly and live a life with meaning, well who knows what might happen. 

OBEY! Or You Cannot Live in Japan

Howdy Yall! I think most of the world knows that Japanese are a controlled and repressed people. It is also common knowledge that it did not take military on the street or public beatings to achieve a modern society of slavish worker drones. All that was needed was good old fashioned propaganda and mental intimidation. Government and business in Japan have done a very good job of scaring the living shit out of the people of Japan. I can say with full confidence that the hard working people of Japan are brainwashed to the point that most of them are scared of their own shadow. This has been the situation long before I arrived on the shores of the land of the rising sun; and will continue to be true for years to come.

Yet, Japan should know that I don't have to play ball.

In fact, whenever I am given the chance I will support any resistance any Japanese citizen gives to a system which has made them weak mindless drones. I did the same thing in American so there is no point for me to change now. Americans are also brainwashed, but in a very different way. Many Americans are brainwashed to accept ultra violence, endless war, hate, greed and increasing government control over their lives. This is a fact about American society which many Americans will refuse to ever admit. Ask your average American about America and they will give you this fantasy image of a free peaceful society in which everyone has total rights under the laws of liberty. That is a fucking lie! America is a fascist war machine which pretends to be a democracy. Yet, so many American Ex-pats living in Japan dare not expose the truth to the Japanese people. They just cannot come to terms with the fact that American society might be just as brainwashed as Japanese society. Well, as you can tell I hold no fantasies about my native nation. With that said, Americans are also some of the most outgoing and friendly people on the planet. Yes, I love American culture but have no love for the fucking government.

While many Americans are indeed brainwashed, Japanese have had their minds beaten into the mud by the shit kicking jackboots of social conformity racial harmony. That is some heavy shit to deal with daily so I have nothing but empathy for Japanese people. Yet, there are times when you must say 'fuck all that. Something is wrong and I will not put up with it anymore.' It is very rare in Japan for folks to stand up and resist social and political dogma; but it does happen. I have seem it with my own eyes. A perfect example of this is Occupy Tokyo. I know what you must be thinking, 'The Occupy movement in Tokyo? I thought that was a bunch of spoiled college kids and lazy do nothings.' Come on now! You are smarter than to believe such propaganda. There in fact a Occupy Tokyo and they do in fact have very clear goals in mind. The Japanese media has engaged in a total blackout of a group of Japanese who want nothing more than actual democracy and a nuclear free nation. I have not only met with Occupy Tokyo but have also stood by them and marched by their side. They are a very different breed of the Occupy movement. They make their goals very clear: no nuclear power and no TPP(Trans-Pacific Partnership). They get harassed daily by the extreme Japanese right-wing fascist  group known as the Uyoku Dentai. The police attempt to place pressure on the group to leave the area of the METI building they currently occupy. Yet, they remain in solitary fighting and resisting in a nation which standing up for yourself is considered to be the ultimate sin.

While it is true that 'to obey' is an easy way to survive in Japan, it is much better to stand up for yourself on this little island nation. Life may be a little harder and you will have to deal with the massive social pressure to sit down and shut up. You will, in the end, make yourself and Japan a stronger society and nation.

If you are able, head on over to Occupy Tokyo in front of the METI building in Tokyo. Meet with them and stand by them. They are a rare example of people standing up for themselves in Japan.        

I`m Making Monsters for My Friends

It starts as soon as I wake up. The clock hammers my ears with the painful reminder that I must deal with yet another day of fighting off monsters created by the corp. machine of Japan. I look at the choices of suits hanging from the bedroon sliding door. Those damn suits...those fucking weapons of mass murder which kill part of me daily. They call me with the same death blow chants; `Hi bitch. Remember me? Yeah, come over here and offer up your body to the gods of greed and social murder.` My body moves but my mind refuses to play ball. I need chemicals in order to do this again. I fill my body with coffee and Lucky Strikes. No time for food; no time for you!

After a quick shit, shower and shave out the door I go. Another day of having a little Japanese dick rammed into my asshole for the benefit of some old fucker who lives on some remote tropical island. I bleed and he breeds. With each part that dies he, and his stripe, get fat from my blood sweat and tears. My madness is his pleaure. All of this and I have not even got on my first train yet.

At my home station I wait for the daily death ride to start. There are no smiles or the gentle warmth of the human experience. Only cold blank stares and hatred of the masses are to be found at the hangman`s waiting room. As the train arrives a  massive fight for a seat goes down. I get pushed punched and rib knocked as my fellow rogues attempt to stomp me into dust. I survive...this pisses everyone off. With each train I jump on, not into, the battle become more intense. They are out to get me I tell you! My death would provide entertainment for the masses of asses who long ago were beat into the slime of the earth. I am shit...but they are the slime crusted dicks and bitches who make our city the dark twisted place it is today. They would kill me if they thought they would get away with it. If they thought killing me would benefit them, I would surely be a dead man by sundown. Yet, somehow I make it to the school of no choice for the day.

I enter the so-called school and attain the title of exploited gaijin whore. Never am I considered a `real teacher.` At best, I can hope to be considered the gaijin with a brain. Real teachers must be Japanese and work in the systemtic shit hole known as the Japanese public school system. As long as I am everyone`s favorite monkey who makes students giggle all is well. Fuck that I say...I am actually going to attempt to teach something. Of course, the harder I try the more of an asshole I am in the eyes of elite fucks who have a golden Japanese dick in their ass. These gaijin pricks who long ago sold out consider me to be the `Black Sheep` in the company. Black Sheep I may be but sell out...EVER!

My clear resistence to the machine which produces brain dead shitheads does not pervent them from putting the weight of the world on my shoulders. Oh yeah! I am expected to save the company`s ass by using my magic to make a full house of students show up everyday. If my gaijin magic fails then I am a worthless pile of Korean dog shit. It is believed that gaijin have some magic power which can force students to show up and pay money. If that does not happen then clearly I am not using my magic and I am selfish. Come on gaijin! Use your magic and make us money. Don`t be selfish! We know you have magic powers. Yeah, fuck you too! In fact, fuck all of yall!

Yet, I do give credit where credit is due. `Hard Times` has been brought from the pages to real life. Damned if you do and damned if you don`t.

Yes...I`m making monsters for my friends.

The Walking Dead

So, I was pulling down some bread recently and I got into this `discussion` with this guy who has got to be old enough to have seen the bomb drop. I have `taught` this man many times before. He is okay usually but he has this habit of saying really depressing things and never following the flow of the lesson. Well, I must have gotten the luck of the draw because I had to `teach` this guy for two hours straight(two lessons back to back). What this throw back to Imperial Japan said to me was enough to really make me question the soul of the nation.

During the first lesson, which was an advanced discussion lesson, he had another old bag in the class with him. As usual he derailed the flow of the lesson as every given opportunity. It did not matter which section of the lesson we were doing, he was intent on doing his own thing. This of course pissed off the old chick and frustrated me to no ends. Yet, he did not give a fuck.. Fair enough, it`s his money and if he wants to rant on and on so be it. Although, when he had me all to himself things twisted in a very unexpected way.

After stepping out for a quick smoke, I return to the class to find that this guardian of the old faith had booked a lesson which had just been canceled. Being a keen old bastard he of course booked a group lesson knowing full well that no other student would want to have a lesson with his ass. I decided to use some material I had made myself. Usually, I would not waste something I made myself on this bitter stubborn old man. Although, it was a light day and I needed to try out some material. What material was on tap? Well, learning about extended metaphors though the works of Shakespeare of course! This had `old man will reject this and go on a cold blooded rant about society` written all over it. Despite this fact, I threw caution to the wind and used the material anyway.

I sat down with the hopes that this Emperor loving geezer would attempt to learn what I choose to attempt to teach him. At first he seemed to be gun-ho. I presented the topic to him and he was game at first. It was only when we started to modify one of Shakespeare`s  metaphors that this old geezer laid some cold blooded shit on me.
*Remember he never follows any lesson flow.

Old Geezer:
`It is a fact that there is no god. This is why some people have a very good life and others suffer deeply. Those who suffer will die and be gone from our society. They must suffer and they must die. We should never care  about other people. They cannot be helped. If we have any pity on other people, such an act only makes society weak. This is why no American can ever hope to understand we Japanese.`

How in the fuck do you even begin to respond to such a statement? For that matter, how to you maintain your professionalism when a student lays something like that on you?That old fucker smacked me in the face with the weight of the defunct Japanese Empire for seemly no good reason other than for his own sick jollies. He had this smug grin on his face as I struggled to press on with the lesson. With such cold blooded shit as an undercurrent in Japanese society no wonder things are so fucked at times. I have heard of such ideas being one part of modern Japanese society. I have also seen evidence of it in the manner in which the homeless and unemployed are generally treated. That was the first time someone from Japan had ever bluntly laid out the wolf pack mentally to me concerning Japanese society.

I need some feedback on this one. Was this old fart just lashing out at me because he has some old axe to grind with non-Japanese or was he simply stating an often unspoken fact about Japanese society?

Some Folks Know Whats Up

In passing Japanese society looks like a very conformist button down group of people. Mid-day in Tokyo can be wall to wall suits and ties sometimes. There are so many social rules that box people into a certain lifestyle that few people break though the heavy cloud of authority. The average Japanese is going to do everything he/she can to fit in and not make waves. Despite this national fetish with conformity, some folks are able to see what is really going on. Truth in point is a student I ran across during a conversation period at school recently.

I walk into a larger than normal booth and two students stare back at me. One of them was an early 20`s something guy with a crazy stoner smile glued on his face. The other student was older, maybe in his early 60`s, hard noised and focused on something in his own mind.I really had no idea what to talk about with them so I simply asked them what they felt like saying. The old man quickly perked up and slapped a book on the table. He says to me, `you ever read this book?` The book was titled Confessions of an Economic Hitman. I read that book when it came out a few years ago and it only confirmed a lot of things a knew to be true. American is a modern Empire which takes control of other nations and uses them to get rich. What I did not expect was a old Japanese guy also being aware of such a fact and having the balls to talk about it with an American. The guy talked at length about such things as the NWO,9/11, and the Iran Contras. As interesting as it was, I could tell that the younger guy was hearing these things for the first time. It must have been one of the most interesting conversations I have ever had with anyone from Japan. The both of them asked each other questions about a variety of topics with me simply serving as a reference guide.

The experience got me thinking that maybe there are more people in Japan who are aware of what is really happening in the world than I thought. Though all the pressure to conform and `fit in` there may be a growing number of Japanese who are simply not buying the bull shit fed to them everyday. I wonder how many people are sitting at home at night researching things and trying to get to the truth of things around them? With the way the world is these days I am willing to bet there are more folks like that old man around.  

Japan`s Lost Generation

I have heard many references to the `lost generation` of Japan. I have also come across many attempts to define the meaning of the term. As I have discovered, most attempts to define Japan`s lost generation only touched on one part of a much larger and far reaching issue which shakes the very core of Japanese society.

A quick search on google and you can find countless references to Japan`s lost generation. Some articles focus on the growing problem of suicide among the youth. Others zero in on the Hikikomori; people who completely fall out of society and become hermits. From what I have learned about Japan`s lost generation, Hikikomori become hermits because society demands so much that they fall behind and `give up.` They locked themselves in their bedrooms refusing to come out. Instead of reaching out to these folks, Japanese society pushes on leaving the Hikikomori to becomes ghost in the shadows.

Before I go any deeper into this let me just say I am by no means an `expert` on Japanese culture. It is just that I live here. I see and experience so much living in the land of the raising sun. Japan is kind of my home. I feel that sometimes it is worth sharing my thoughts on the culture of this island called Japan.
*just had to go ahead and say this to prevent some asshole fucker coming along later and starting some shit. God Damn the Internet!

Anyway where was I...

The Hikikomori was just one part of a much larger group of young Japanese known as Japan`s Lost Generation. It seems there is an entire generation of Japanese being left in the dust and forgotten about. A lot of them are highly educated and intelligent. Yet, due to situations beyond their control they did not get a chance to live up to their true potential. Some of them have been working for a while now. They got stuck in lower paying jobs waiting for their `turn at the table.` Sadly, they got passed over. I have seen first hand people in their late twenties and early thirties get overlooked for higher paying jobs in favor of younger `freshmen` entering the work force. This is just not happening in the job market but from within companies as well. Again I have seen examples of freshmen entering companies and getting higher paying jobs and positions than the `lost generation` types who have been working for said company for several years.

Yet, the lost generation seems to be not just one generation of Japanese youth. It appears that the social ills which created the lost generation is effecting a new generation of Japanese. The video I linked to earlier in this post features a few shots of young Japanese hanging in Shibuya in a very down and out manner. I can offer witness that if you go to Shibuya any night of the week you can see these kids. They really have nothing better to do than hang out in Shibuya looking for something to get into. I can relate this these kids. I remember growing up damn poor in an area with little opportunity to get ahead in the world. I saw a lot of kids give up pretty quickly in the mountains of West Virginia. A lot of them would end up just hanging out everyday doing drugs and getting into fights. While a lot of Shibuya`s lost do not get into fights so often, I am willing to bet that a lot of them are living a lifestyle of daily drug use, at the same time, using sex to make a little yen and provide the majority of their entertainment. These kids have fallen though the cracks in a system which does not provide a place for them in society.

So, how can Japan`s `lost youth` have hope of a decent future? Well like I said, I am not the expert on Japanese culture. There are many sides to the problem of Japan`s lost generation. Yet, I think that there must be a change in Japanese society. It might be a good idea for Japanese society to be more accepting of people who think a little different. It seems that when the economy went bust during the 90`s Japan did not know what do to with their upcoming youth; so they did nothing. These people grew up without knowing what to expect; so they expected nothing. Maybe Japanese society should stop thinking there is only one way to live life and be successful. A little outside the box thinking would be good for Japanese society. You know, when a person cannot hang with the `social standard` there should be other options for them to live a happy successful life.

I struggle to understand the idea of `get with it or get left behind.` Where is the logic is simply leaving anyone who cannot keep up with the pace in the dust to fade away? In order to avoid the social ill of a `lost generation` other life paths must be developed for people who are a little different. Not everyone is going to be a future leader of society. Of course, everyone should be pushed a little to achieve the highest level of success but not everyone is interested in such a goal. It is these kind of issues Japanese society is going to have to face up to sooner or later.

Mr. James and Foreign Darlings

In light of recent discussions concerning the latest McDonald`s Japan mascot, as well as an upcoming movie about a multicultural marriage, it is time I finally sit down and share my thoughts about racism and equality in Japan. I have avoided writing on this subject matter for a long time due to the attitude taken by many on the web towards anyone who brings up racial equality in Japan. It seems that when the above mentioned subject matter is brought up it is met with a boat load of loathing. It seems that racial equality in Japan is a subject which is delegated to jaded foreigners with a beef against the Japanese. Although simply venting a beef may be true in some cases, I believe that there is something deeper going on.

For the most part, it appears that bias towards non-Japanese is a well ingrained part of Japanese culture. I can see this more clearly than others due to my own unique cultural background. I grew up around a fair amount of racial bias. A vain of racism still runs though the culture in Southern American states. Although, racism is not nearly as overt as it has been in years past; it is something southern people struggle to come to terms with to this day. Yet unlike the Japanese, southern people at least try to overcome our short comings concerning racial understanding.

The latest up roar concerning McDonald`s Japan newest mascot `Mr. James` shows me that, for the large part, Japanese people are more than willing to accept racial stereotypes. I think it makes them feel comfortable as a society. The overt racial bias is a way for them to cope with being a unique homogeneous society. It seems to strike them in their own minds that, `We are all the same and everyone else is so different because we are somehow special and therefore on a higher level.` While the above mentioned thinking may seem to be unique to Japan, it is in fact common among other societies as well.

I refer again to my own experiences growing up in the American South. For the majority of the American South`s history it was homogeneous. The people of the south developed their own unique culture and dialect. They also have experienced geological isolation; in a similar way as the Japanese. It was commonly believed in the south, in much less degree today as compared to the past, that anyone not from the south was somehow too different to understand them. As you can see, cultures which are mostly homogeneous in nature and geologically isolated are more prone to develop strong racial bias. While these factors offer an explanation to the overt racial bias in Japan; it does not offer a solution to the problem.

The American South was so-called `opened up` by means of a social and political movement from all elements of it`s culture. The two main winds of change were the civil rights and New South movements. It took a lot of time and effort, yet today the American South stands as a testament to progress in the area of racial equality. While there are still problems, the south has largely been reformed.

Focusing back on Japan, it is clear that such social and political change has yet to get kick started. It seems as if Japan has never had a true civil rights movement. While there have been movements which led to women being able to live a mostly independent lifestyle, certain social groups gaining the ability to be upwardly mobile, and sexual liberation; Japan still lacks any anti-discrimination laws. It seems that gaijin(outside country person) have been kept in a iron clad box throughout Japan`s long and grand history.

Will Japan ever make a serious effort to become a more rascally equal society? It would take not only a major up raising of minorities but also mass support from Japanese people themselves. A dual effort by both factions of society will be ever bring about serious changes in race attitudes in Japan. Until then, Japan will always have `Mr. James` types characters and films expressing just now `odd` a gaijin husband is.

Is The Economic Squeeze Finally Starting to Effect Tokyojin?

The big talk these days is this whole world economic crisis. I keep tabs on such things due to my radical political past. In the states I was one of those Ron Paul patriots types. You know, the ones who tried to tell everyone that there was a problem. Sadly, everyone laughed at us when we said that the house of cards was about to fall and bring about a N.W.O. Now who is crazy?

After all the hell raising and trying to save the republic, I now find myself in Japan watching the world burn. On this blog I have skipped over my patriot adventures. The main reason I have not really wrote about that part of my life is due to all the socialist thought I run across on the English speaking J-web. Socialist tend to drag out the hate parade pretty quick. They can be some real mean bastards when you disagree with them. So, as I hide out in the land of the raising sun watching the world fall into centralized control by a small group of elites I wonder; how is everyone holding up in Tokyo?

People have a bad habit of not talking about money openly in Tokyo. I guess this is the norm across Japan. If a person is having money problems in Tokyo, they tend to not want to discuss it with anyone. One day they just jump in front of a train to end all their pain; fucking up a lot of people`s day in the process. In my opinion, suicide is a show of weakness which deserves no mercy; but that is just me. I have been though some hard times but not once did I even consider killing myself. It makes no sense to me how a person can decide that suicide solves anything. Hell, Japan has got a population decrease issue. They should be trying to encourage people not do kill themselves. Yet, dingle berries like Aso are chosen by `the party` to lead the nation.


Are you ready to jump in front of a train? Are your money problem gotten so bad that you want to roll over and give up? I for one am actually doing just fine. The great sea of shit flowing over the world has, so far, not put a nice brown stain on my underwear yet. Lets here how all of you Tokyo people are doing. Maybe we can air out the room a bit so to speak.

The Mason Kid

Teaching English in Japan has brought me in contact with a few strange folks from time to time. Japanese people who study English on a regular basis seem to be a unique bunch. I got a diverse mix of personalities among my clients, not only at my base school, but also at the other schools under my control. Hell, one of my schools even has a stalker/fan of sorts. Although, there is this one kid who has really gotten my attention.

I refer to this eight year old as `the mason kid.` I am pretty sure that everyone knows who the free masons are. You know, the NWO masters of the universe crowd. Anyway, the Mason kid makes reference to free masons during every damn lesson. The first time he did it I was really surprised. We were doing a picture/word association activity. This kid feels that I am his best friend so he likes to play games with me. Anyway, it was his turn to draw a picture and I was suppose to guess what he was drawing. He proceeds to draw a pyramid with an eye in the apex. He turns to me and says, `This is Masons. Ryan is a Mason. Ryan is great person because Ryan is Mason.` My first reaction was, `What the hell did he just say?!` How does an eight old kid know anything about Masons? Better yet, why is he calling me a Mason? Hiding my shock I told him, `Do not say Mason to people. They will not understand.` He looked at me for a minute as if pondering what I meant. Finally he said, `Okay Ryan. I keep secret.` After that he wanted to do some work book study with me.

I thought his reference to Free Masons would be a one time thing. It was strange for sure but I thought he got the hint. I was dead wrong. The next lesson he again addresses me as,`Mason Ryan.` He does this in front of the office lady and his father. The office lady did not understand what he said. His father gave him a darting glare. Judging his father`s reaction I concluded that he is getting the Mason stuff from his father some how. The lesson went down smoothly but he constantly referred to me as `Mason Ryan.` After the lesson I paid close attention to this father`s hands; as well as the manner in which he shook my hand. Sure enough his father was wearing a Mason ring. He also shook my hand in a traditional Mason manner. It hit me like a ton of bricks: I am teaching a Japanese Mason`s kid to speak English. What hit me harder was the realization that he thinks that I am a Mason just like his dear old dad.

So, every lesson this kid referrers to me as `Mason Ryan` and wants to make sentences using the word Mason as often as possible. One time he even pulled off, `Godzilla is a Tokyo Mason.` At first I just kind of laugh about it, but now it is starting to creep me out. Recently, he has been saying, `Ryan go Tokyo Tower meet Tokyo Mason.` I do not know why he keeps saying such a thing but he seems kind of serious about the odd request. I am half tempted to tell this father about Mason trip his kid is on; but considering that his old man is a Mason I tend to shy away from the topic.I guess I am just going to go with the flow on this one. As long as his father pays for the lessons his kid can talk about Masons all this wants.

I am Stronger Than a Demon! HaHa

When the going get tough, the tough get a gun! Well, maybe not in Japan; but you get my point. I have been kind of hard on myself the past couple of weeks. While it is good to kick yourself in the ass sometimes, for motivation purposes, too much can get you stuck in a hole. So I have snapped out of it and pulled myself up by my bootstraps.

When I think about all the crazy ass stuff that goes down in Tokyo daily, and compare it to what life was like in West Virginia, Tokyo really is a push over in most cases. Yeah, there are a few things I will most likely never like about Tokyo. I think there is no place in the world which can be perfect.

With that said I have had to pull my bootstraps pretty tight this go round in order to slap myself back to par. I guess I have finally experienced what so many people have warned me about. The dreaded `Tokyo Rut.` This city can be unforgiving sometimes. If you are not ready for the pressure you can become overwhelmed. I have dealt with some heavy shit in my day, but nothing could have prepared me for how different daily life in Tokyo is compared to the mountains of West Virginia. I feel that, at this point, I am finally adjusted to living in our dirty little city. I have been tested and I survived. I have learned kind of how things work in this city. For example, it is common for people to fuck with each other just to see who can take the heat. People do the same thing in West Virginia, but in Tokyo it is totally different. In WV people simply try to fight you. If you stand up to them, they will have a lot of respect for you. In Tokyo, people will talk shit and criticize you right in your face in front of other people. You cannot fight them or you will lose `face.` Instead, you have two choices; either say nothing back and look like a stupid fool, or say something so blunt and true about the other person they will have nothing else to say. It is a bunch of childish bullshit in my opinion, but that is just the way things are in Tokyo. I tell people often that if they tried the same shit in West Virginia somebody would beat the holy fuck out of them real quick.

Tokyo you will never break me! Do you hear that motherfucker! You gave me your worst and I am still standing asshole! HaHaHa FUCK YOU!

Tokyo is my home now. I clam all the sad, crazy, drunken, madness which makes our dirty little city so great. We are all messed-up in the head. We are all crazy ass Tokyo people.

No More Smoking Mr. Smith

Damn! I just agreed to quit smoking. I have been smoking from the time I was 16. Yeah, I was one of those kids who started smoking because it was an easy way to socialize and make friends. You know, if you smoke you can hang out in the boys bathroom and make friends. It was an easy way to get acceptance from my peers. It was the common opinion, among the boys, that tough guys smoke. Everyone wanted to be a tough guy. I can still remember how I got my first pack of smokes. There was this senior boy who lived on my street. He knew just about everything concerning cars. So of course I wanted to hang out with him. He usually did not give to shits about me. In fact, our first meeting ended up in me getting the crap kicked out of me. He beat me up pretty good. Now that I am an adult, looking back on the situation, I should have avoid the guy. I was a teenager desperate for acceptance. So, I kept hanging around him. As a way to gain his friendship I talked him into buying me a pack me smokes. I have been hooked ever since my first pack of Lucky Strikes.

Now I am 29 and it is time to kick the habit. There are many reasons why I am quitting. The main reason is the gal has developed an extreme sensitivity to cig smoke. She used to smoke but she quit about a year ago. I was really surprised by how easy she quit smoking. She was smoking about a pack a day. Suddenly, about a week, she was not smoking at all. Over time she has started to complain about my smoking habit. She starts to sneeze and complains of headaches due to the smoke. The situation has gotten to the point of becoming a real problem. I like her a lot so now I am quitting the habit once and for all.

So, I sit here looking at a pack of peace cigs. Although not my preferred brand, they are pretty good. I got eleven cigs left. After those are gone I will never smoke again. In fact, I am gonna have one now. Damn! It feels so good. I must admit that I will miss smoking. You know, once an addict always an addict. I think there should be support groups for people who have quit. In the states I am sure that such groups exist. In Japan, smoking is fully accepted. We all know the reason why smoking is so popular in Japan. The damn government owns the fucking tobacco company!

Anyway, in the back of my mind the tobacco demon is telling that I will lose some cool points. I know this is simply brainwashing from years of propaganda being feed to me by the tobacco companies and pop culture. I can hear the demon screaming at me even now. I will quit smoking god dammit! It is making my life shorter and having a big effect on my health. Yet, I will never give anyone shit for smoking. I will never agree with anti-smoking laws. I will always feel that people should have the right to smoke any place they choose. Who am I am judge? I have been a smoker for many years. It would be hypocritical of me to turn around and give others crap for smoking.

So, wish me luck in my quest to quit smoking. It will not be easy but I know I can do it. Hell, I am a greaser. I can do anything I want!

Need to Learn to Speak Better...Among other things

I have finally realized that I really need to learn to speak Japanese better. As of now, I can only say very basic things. This is not going to cut it if I plan on staying on Japan on a long term basis. I want to be able to communicate with people better. There are two things holding me back: motivation and time. When I try to speak Japanese I tend to get frustrated rather quickly. When Japanese people do not understand me I feel like a total idiot and give up. It is not a good habit to have when living in a nation in which my native language is not spoken by most people. I feel like I am being judged when speaking Japanese. I am the kind of person who get a little nervous when I know I am being judged. I must get over this fear if I am do speak Japanese better.

I have a few options for improving my speaking ability. There is this student of mine who teachers Japanese to gaijin. I think she does it at a very low or no cost. She loves my lessons and I think it would be no problem for her to teach me. I actually really like her as a person. She is kind and cares about other people. She is a rare person in this post-modern age. I think she may be a damn good teacher. I have considered asking her to teach me Japanese. My shyness about asking such a request has prevented me from asking her to teach me. I may very well ask her the next time she shows up for a lesson.

My other options are varied. I have tried getting the gal to teach me but that usually ends in total ruin. We simply do not click on teacher/student level. She has no skill what so ever at teaching. It is better just to use her as practice for words I learn. If she understands what I try to say then I consider it a good thing indeed. I did tried to take lessons from a private school but that did not work out so well either. My teacher was good but I could not learn from her. She did not give a shit if I learned anything or not. I think it was a part time job for her anyway. My other option is try and get in on those lessons that the Nerima ward is offering. I do not think I will go for that because I what I really need is a teacher I can make a connection with. I am one of those people who needs to make a connection with someone before I can trust and learn from them. So, it appears that my student is my best option. I trust her and she seems like a person who cares about gaijin learning to speak the Japanese language.

On some other notes of interest in my life; there are some things I may need to improve about myself. You see everyone, I got a problem with dealing with people. I have this chip on my shoulder that I will never be able to lose. I was raised pretty rough and that really shaped me as an adult. I tend to worry a lot about things that I know I should not give two shits about. This makes it hard to some people to get along with me very well. I would like to be a little more smooth but my roughness comes shining though every damn time. When people are polite to me and appreciate what I do for them, it is easy for me to show them my inner self. Sadly, most people are just real assholes. I do not take well to assholes. I have seen a lot of people who are able to charm even the biggest dickhead on the face of the planet. I just cannot do that so well. I also have a hard time dealing with cold people. You know the type, no matter how nice you are to them they just will not warm up to you. I must learn how to charm even the toughest cookie.

The other thing I would like to get better at is showing people that I care about them. Recently, I have been practicing this with the office lady at my base school. I really do care about her but I have been pretty bad at showing it. So, I have started doing little things. When I arrive at work I try to bring a little food for her. I bring a little something for her everyday. You know, a rice ball or something like that. Her English is not so good but she is able to get out a few thank yous. Wednesday she was able to explain to me that the rice ball I gave her was her favorite kind. It almost brings a tear to my eyes that she puts forth the effort to speak English to me. I know it is very hard for her to speak in English. I also have started telling her that she did a good job before I leave for the day. I think it will make her work a little more harder. There is something about her that troubles my brain. I guess that her life is a little more complex than she lets on. In another life she might be a greaser gal. Sometimes she smiles and laughs a lot. Although, there are other times when she does not smile at all and seems to be rather sad. I will take the time to get to know her a little better.

Anyway, maybe I am just a messed up person. I allowed myself to become too rough. It might be too late for me to chance so much; but I am gonna try anyway. My hard noise greaser ways have made me into a complex person. Yeah, a greaser is trying to care about other people. This should be funny for sure. I will always be just a fucking greaser. Hell, one day I should write a book about my life.

Gotta hold It All Together

Life has been pretty crazy recently to say the least. At times I feel as if I am being bombed by 1,000 WW2 era Zero planes. You know, like when you were a kid fishing by the river and a swarm of bees decide to attack you for no good reason. I just cannot stop the flow of shit coming my way as of late. So far, I am handling most things okay; but I think there may be a few things that I am just going to have to let get out of control. I may have to make some real hard choices in the near future. I am not looking forward to some of the hard decisions but as always I will hold my head up high and laugh in the face of insanity.

My mental state is still not that bad at this point. Considering that the balance between professional and personal affairs is getting to be a real pain in the ass; I am holding up pretty well. There are days when I want to say fuck the whole deal and focus only on my own desires. I try to be the superman that a lot of people want me to be but I am not perfect. Sometimes when I get off work I hit up a bar to unwind. In those situations I do not want to take even the slightest bit of shit from anyone. Yet, almost every time I find myself dealing with someone you just will not get a fucking clue. I need to have fun just like everyone else. Why do so many people seem to want to get in my god damn way! I meet a lot of people in Tokyo. Sadly, most of them try to use me to make themselves look better. It is like they think I don`t know what they are doing. The typical method they use is to point out every little thing about me that can be made fun of so the girls will think they are so much cooler than me. What the fuck man! Really! I do not care if someone is trying to get laid. That is not my business. It is really so hard to be nice to people? Is it is a real challenge for people to be honest about who they are as a person? All the fake ass attitudes and personalities I come across get to me sometimes. I love living in Tokyo but some of the people in Tokyo can be really hard to deal with sometimes.

I guess I am just not good at pretending to be a weak ass person with no pride. I mean, what is the point of this kind of pretending? Why lie about who you are just so others will like you? I cannot understand this way of thinking. Like wise, why down others so you will look better? I don`t see the point of it all. I just try to be myself and let everyone play the childish `game.` Despite all the sick childish behavior I see each and every day I still run across cool and interesting people from time to time. I guess I just have to learn how to deal with this childish BS that people just love to get into here in Tokyo.

Anyway, I know I should not care so much. Everyone is just going about their life. I guess it is my own fought for not making such strong bonds with people in Tokyo as of yet. My love of working has a negative side effect. In the course of my adult life, I have chosen work over social concerns. When I do have free time, I tend to wonder in places that do not require so much effort to gain a good drinking buddy or a nigh of wild abandonment. You know, the kind of places that as long as you do not fuck with someone they will like you and call you friend.

Well, don`t worry about me so much, I will be okay. I will find a way to make everything work out just fine. Tomorrow is a good chance for me to practice dealing with people in Tokyo. I got this really important nine hour business meeting tomorrow. I am sure that there will be some food and drinking after such a long day. I will work on talking with people. From what I have gathered, a few of the other managers like me so I got a spring broad to work with of sorts.

Late Night Muse

WARNING: RIGHT NOW I MAY BE A LITTLE TOO DRUNK FOR MY OWN GOOD. I SHOULD NOT REALLY BE BLOGGING AT THIS POINT; BUT I AM.

Good evening everyone. I decided not to go home tonight. Why would I make such a decision. Well, I have no real reason to go home. I just do not feel like going home to an empty apartment. I think that most of you can understand the feeling of wanting to avoid an empty apartment on a Saturday night. So, here I sit at a Internet cafe in bukudo blogging. I got to pass the time away somehow; you know?

It has been an interesting night. I met, by pure random chance, someone who I have not seen in a long time. One of my favorite people in Tokyo just happen to be at the same bar as me. I was caught totally by surprise. Considering the amount of people living in our dirty little city, I never expect to see anyone I know without previous plans. Life is just like that sometimes. It was a very pleasant surprise to say the least. My plan was just to get a good drunk buzz going and head home. After meeting up with this person I decided to hang around for a while just to see what would happen. I wanted to talk but that really was not going to happen. It is a Saturday night and most people are looking to get laid. Hell, I cannot really blame them. There are few things better in life than getting drunk and laid on a Saturday night in Tokyo. So, I just kind of hung around and played the situation out a bit. You never know what might happen. Well, everyone did their best to try and hook up with someone. A few people got lucky and a few did not. As for me, I end up at an Internet cafe waiting for the early morning train. It is ok with me. I am happy and feeling good.

Although, this even has got me thinking about my personality. I wonder if I am just a little too rough for my own good. I know that I can be a little odd sometimes. I mean, when it comes to work there are not too many people who can out do me. Damn, I have pretty much begged the company to give me more work. I like working a lot. If I had it my way I would work everyday. I think that my desire for work has developed a roughness in the way I communicate with others in social situations. I tend to say things that do not fit the situation sometimes. When working I do not have to care about what people think of me so much. As long as I work hard everything is fine. I get reward for my hard work and that is that. There is no game to play. I do not have to earn any cool points. In social situations everything is totally different. It is all about cool points. You have to look the right way and say the right things. The fact that I work my ass off does not amount to a hill of beans. So, what is a guy like myself to do?

Well, it all depends on were I go. If I go at a punk club or greaser hang out I fair pretty well. I feel in control of the situation. It is kind of like being around people who feel and think the same way I do. On the other hand, if I go to a pub or night club things are very different. I am being judged only on how cool I look and how smooth my words roll out of my mouth. If I say exactly what I am thinking I end up looking like an ass. At the end of the day I am ok with this because it shows me where society is these days. The rules have changed and a guy like myself is slowly fading away. You know, the old school brand of man. The type of guy who works his ass off, while carrying others on this shoulders, does not appear to be valued in society much anymore. I am not saying that society is full of lazy sacks of shit because we all work hard to make a living. What I have noticed is that working hard is not enough anymore. People are much less likely to overlook a few minor cracks in a person`s personality; as compared to years past. These days you have to be perfect in order to attain social success.

Anyway, I remember gal I used to run around with back in the states. She was this really young gal from Tokyo; who somehow ended up going to college in West Virginia. I really do feel that she was a gal from a by gone era. She overlooked a lot of fucked up shit about my personality because she knew that I worked my ass off and would always look out for her no matter what happened. I used to get mad at her sometimes for no real reason. She overlooked it because she knew that I was a good person at heart. We never got romantic with each other but I looked out for her all the same. I guess I did it because I knew that if I did not do it no one else would. She was a gentle type who could be hurt very easy. She was real small and did not talk so much; even with her friends. Her shyness made her easy to cry. I get along well with people like her. They kind of jump on my back and let me carry them to the finish line.

So, what I have discovered is that a person who has a little roughness about their personality will not do so well in social situations in Tokyo. This fact I can accept. It is just the way things are in our dirty little city. As always, I am happy with life. I take life as it comes. Everyday is an adventure in the land of the raising sun.

That Wonderful Saturday Morning Feeling

Here I sit,early as hell, getting ready for work on Saturday. I feel a little strange this morning. It is not because of the drinking I did last night,but because today is Valentine`s day. Due to schedule issues the gal and I will not be spending the day of love together. You know what, this sucks! A part of me does not even want to leave the house today. I know that all day I will have to deal with seeing young lovers going crazy for each other. I should be more mature about the situation, yet I find myself feeling a bit bitter. The gal and I don`t have a traditional marriage. We are a very modern couple. She does her own thing and I do my own thing most of the time. We usually plan to spend at least one day together a week. Despite this, we really do love each other. Hell, we have known each other going on ten years now.

This week she is out of town. She is away on business as usual. Actually, this time her business is a bit personal. Something about one of her friends having a wedding in her home town I guess. What kind of person has a wedding on Valentine`s day?! They are ruining this day for a lot of people just so they can have some damn special wedding. Fuckers! I know they are her friends and all, but Valentine`s day is not the best timing for a wedding. I did not say anything to the gal about my protests concerning the whole situation. I just smiled and said, `Oh honey! That is wonderful! I hope you have a good time.` It is her friends after all, you know?

Anyway, I gotta get my ass off to work now. Enough whining about things I cannot do much about. I will just have a few drinks after work and tough it up today. I do hope that everyone has a wonderful Valentine`s day. Go out and enjoy yourself.

Are you a Manager or a Father?

There is this Japanese guy I have been doing extra `business` with recently. We get along well enough and he really is a decent guy to pal around with most of the time. Sometimes, we talk about stuff. I guess he is just as curious about my culture as I am of his. The little extra business we do together usually does not work out so well. It must be the current market situation which is making it hard for us to score some extra bread. So, we chat it up a lot. We talk about a lot of stuff. Usually the conversation is interesting and sometimes eye opening. The last time we were out and about `business` did not go so well, again, so we ended up chatting.

The subject of my recent promotion and the way Japanese run their business became the topic for the evening. I mentioned to him that since my promotion the office ladies have been treating me a little different. They have really warmed up to me in recent weeks. I asked him if there was any reason for their change in attitude towards me. He said that maybe they view me as a father figure of sorts. His statement shocked me, yet peaked my interest. I asked him to explain in more detail why they would view my crazy ass as a father figure. His answer surprised me, while giving me a inside look concerning the nature of a Japanese company.

He said that in Japan the people you work with are viewed as family. From what he says most Japanese people are hired as a generalist after finishing college; which means a person who can do anything the company asks of them. They usually get moved around the company every two or three years until they have worked in just about every department. After they have mastered all the different parts of the company they can get a very high position. He went on to say that the boss or manager is viewed as a father/mother to those under him/her. Despite me being gaijin, Japanese would most likely still be inclined to view me as kind of a father figure, though not as strongly as a japanese man.

It is hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of being viewed as a father figure in the eyes of the people I work with daily. I don`t know how closely this kind of thinking is followed in my company. After all, I am gaijin. However they view me, it is nice to be treated with at least a little respect at work. I guess I will just enjoy the habit of the Japanese to view a manager as some kind of so-called father figure. Hell, I might even be able to get some twisted humor out of the situation.

Stir Crazy Part 3: Local Drunk

Now that I have resolved to be a proud Gaijin here in the land of the raising sun; I am still left with a lot of bent up frustration. You know, after coming to a resolution to a personal problem there is still the emotions which will not fade so quickly. It is kind of like the feeling one experiences after a good fight. The fight is over, you are the winner, but you are still left with your heart beating a mile a minute and your mind racing. You don`t know if you should enjoy your moment of glory or get ready for the next wave. That is how I felt this cold winter night. In these kind of situations the only thing to do is get a good drunk going.

When I want to get a good drunk buzz on without much hassle there is only one place for me to go. The local watering hole here in Aoi. I found this little beer joint when I first came to Japan. I had a lot of extra time on my hands when I first arrived in Tokyo. One night, while wondering around, I came across this little drinking spot. The bar tender, and owner, was kind to me so I kept coming back. Over the past year I have gotten to know the regulars. They seem to take well to me and give me no gruff. The bar tender is even nice enough to always keep my favorite black beer on tap.

Anyway, tonight I ended up at the local bar. I needed to get drunk with some familiar faces. I just wanted to be around people who accept me exactly as I am. Everyone knows my name and give me a big happy greeting every time I make a visit. I am kind of like the local gaijin. Sadly, there are not a lot of gaijin in Aoi. It is very rare for me to see fellow Gaijin in my little neighborhood. Maybe once a month I will see another gaijin walking down the street or waiting at the train station. They do not talk to me. In fact, they try to avoid looking at me all together. I understand that some gaijin are not comfortable speaking to their own kind. I do not blame them at all. It can be hard to speak to other gaijin sometimes. It would be nice to be able to go to the local bar with someone who is a native speaker of English; but I am not crossing my fingers.

I got a pretty good dunk buzz going on. It was fun just to be able to relax and talk about a whole bunch of nothing. We talked about the super bowl, Japanese pop culture, the latest happenings in the local area, and girls of course. It really took a huge load off my mind. Now, I find myself at home, half drunk, and enjoying a cup of cheese and tomato noddles. Stir crazy or not, It seems that living in Japan is more of a challenge then I thought.

Stir Crazy Part 2: I can feel a change

So, at work Wednesday I tortured myself with trying to figure out why I have been feeling sort of off balance recently. I thought about what exactly is causing me to feel such restlessness and aggression. What is causing me to fall into a constant state of mania. Well, after considering all the different angles I think I have came up with an answer. I think I am starting to feel the effects of being a minority.

Before I go on, please do not confuse me with the Debito crowd. I am not the kind of person who wines about not having the same rights as the majority. I know that I will forever be gaijin(outsider) as long as I live in Japan. I have no desire to change Japanese society. My native culture is just too different for the Japanese to fully understand. Rather, I am pretty sure that carrying the status of `outsider` on my shoulders everyday is starting to tear at me mentally.

I have never experience standing out simply because my DNA is slightly different. I have always dealt with being different on a social level; not ethnic. Everyday people notice me just because my skin does not have a golden/pale yellow hue. It is strange for me to be stared at in such a way. I try to blow it off but I think, deep down inside, it gets under my skin a little. I am not bothered by the simple act of sharing, but the context in which people share is what I think is starting to rub me raw. When it happens I do not make a fuss, because it happens all the time. There are days when it actually serves as a boost to my ego. You know, the whole somebody noticed me thing, that makes you like you at least exist. Yet, I think being so different day in and day out is causing some kind of mental conflict in my subconscious.

Considering that people from the United States make up only 2.4% of gaijin living in Japan, it is safe to say that I am a rare breed in the land of the raising sun. I grew up being in the majority. I never thought about the stress of being a minority. In fact, I always assumed that I would be in the majority. I never developed any copping method for dealing with having a minority status. I had several friends who had minority status in the states. They never talked to me about the experience of being a minority. It was just one of those things we silently agreed never to talk about. I wish I would have asked a few questions becasuse now I find myself with many unanswered questions.

So, what I decided to do is accept my minority status and wear my gaijin badge with pride. It is kind of fun to be in the minority. I get away with stuff that Japanese people can never do. I can say things that are taboo for Japanese people to even utter. The kind of fun I can enjoy maybe out of reach for some Japanese because they are bound my society rules much more strictly than me. I get to be funny and so K.Y. without much negative effect. It is not so bad once I just consider the advantages of being a minority. I am going to have fun with my minority status.

Stir Crazy?

Am I becoming a little stir crazy? This thought rolled around in my head at work Tuesday. I have been in Japan for a year now. I have not had a good dose of American culture in a long time. I have already dealt with the feelings of detachment, but now I am starting to feel like a rat trapped in a cage.

I mean, there are days when I feel like life has been sucked out of me. I get these little tight headaches which dive me crazy to no end. I find myself with a strong taste for beer the closer it gets to the end of my work for the day. I am not eating as much recently. In fact over the past year I have lost 10.o kg. My weight lose will start to really trouble me if I lose too much. In the mornings I am a smoking and coffee drinking manic. Hell, by the time I get to work I have had at least four cups or cans of coffee. Dammit, I have even got up to smoking a whole pack of cigs a day!

Maybe I have just been pushing myself too hard over the past several months. Although, I might be having a delayed reaction to living in a different culture. I have been going hardcore, without looking back, from the moment I set foot in Japan a year ago. I have only spent a little amount of time to stop and check myself. It is as if I left America hell bent on diving into a journey on the other side of the earth. My life went into overdrive the moment I started living in Tokyo. Everything shifted to a higher gear very suddenly. I guess I just started to react without taking much time to stop and smell the roses.

So, am I going a little stir crazy? Well, it is not as if Japan has gotten the best of me. I actually enjoy living in Japan. It is not so much the people because, after all, we are all just humans. The daily grind is tough but I make it though each day without too much of a problem. I think it is a combination of things which are making me feel a little stir crazy. I know I will be fine after a while. I just got to keep pushing forward with my head held high. One thing I really need to do though is remember not to let little thing get to me so much. All I really end up doing is putting useless stress on myself. It will be a big help to not care so much about everything. I will not go completely nuts in the land of the raising sun.