A Religious Experience In Japan

Japan is the last place anyone would consider to be a place in which to have a religious experience. Truth be known, there is a lot of religion in Japan. They are not so out in the open about it but all those temples and shrines are not just for tourist; people take those places very serious. I recently found this fact to be very true.

My darling wife dragged me, kicking and screaming like a child with tourette syndrome, to her home city of Hamamatsu. Normally I would jump at a trip to Hamamatsu. The place kind of kicks ass from my perspective. It is a rough and diverse city. It kind of reminds me of Detroit, before Detroit became a total shit hole of crime, poverty and eviction anarchy. My wife always like to point out to me all the places bad people do bad things in Hamamatsu. She does this because she knows I like things which are not for the faint of heart. It is her way of saying, `My city is fucked up just like you. You would like to live here.` Yet, that is another blog post for another day.

Anyway, the reason I had to be dragged to Hamamatsu was for the purpose of celebrating the death of her grandmother, and secretly the death of our unborn child. This was odd to begin with because death is usually handled by Buddhist in Japan. My wife`s family is Shinto and by Japanese tradition should be looking to Buddhist to handle the afterlife. As it was explained to me, her family is a different sect of Shinto which deal with life and death by way of the same god. Regardless of the faith, I have a distrust of organized religion.

There is just something about organized religion which puts me off. I think it comes from the violent blood thirsty history of organized religion which makes me have a loathing for it. Growing up in a Christian society as a rebellious Mormon kid did little to gain my trust for religion in general. I grew up having an ideology beat into my head that all other people, including other Christians, are vile and are going to burn in hell. I was not allowed, and it did not stop me, from drinking any caffeine or alcohol, smoking, relationships with gals outside the flock, rock music, world culture and any notions that science could teach me anything. As you may have guessed,  none of that shit had much of an impact on me. The whole pressure to look down on non-believers and trapping people into a box always left a bad taste in my mouth. Despite my aversion, I agreed to spend a day knee deep in the Shinto faith; with in-laws who do not speak my native language.

The festivities started off with an in-home ceremony performed by two priests of sorts. I had no idea what was going on at all. The best I could do was just do whatever my wife did and hope I did not embarrass myself too much. I must admit that to my surprise it was a pretty heavy situation. It is hard for me to describe the whole event. It was as if the priest where attempting to bring the soul of my wife`s dead grandmother back to the land of the living for a few minutes. The priest did several things to this kind of tribute shrine which my in-laws have constructed in the house. While everyone is bowing and doing a three clap gesture repeatedly, the priest open a small door on a mini-shrine and recite some sort of command while waving their arms. This goes on several times until finally my wife turns to me and says, `It is okay now. You can relax. Grandmother is happy.` Whatever the fuck just had happened was totally lost on me.

The ceremony was not over just yet. Everyone loads into cars and heads out to a potato farm area in which a large shine claims home roost. At that point I started to feel like the whole event had turned into Children of the Corn Japanese style. It took about an hour to reach this BFE potato farm area. The area had an eerie peacefulness about it. There was not a lot of sound except for a few cars passing by. Everyone else seem to think the situation natural so I just went with it. Once everyone got settled into the temple it was time to basically repeat the same process again.

There was a little extra bonus with this go around. I lost complete feeling in both my damn legs and feet. The Japanese have a way of sitting which must be meant to destroy ones ability to walk normally. Siaza, as the Japanese call it, is the proper manner of sitting on the floor in Japan. It involves folding your legs and resting your ass on your feet while sitting upright.. To say the least this shit is really painful. The ceremony at the Shrine ran longer than expected which lead to me losing the ability to walk. After everything was done, I attempted to stand up and collapsed on the floor. My lack of walking ability caused everyone to do lightening fast neck spins. Everyone just kind of stared at me. There was a few moments in which everyone just kind of froze and thought to themselves, `Did the gaijin really just lose the ability to walk after sitting in Saiza?` I had succeeded in achieving two things at that moment: 1) convincing all my in-laws that American`s really can`t sit in Saiza. 2) Bringing the gaijin to a shrine will embarrass the shit out of the entire family every time. After stumbling around the shrine for a few minutes I sealed my fate as being the asshole of the day.

Once things chilled out for a bit everyone loaded up the cars again and headed to a upscale hotel for a proper high class meal. On my end, this is when things got a bit strange. I started drinking sake and chatting up the younger of the two priest. For some reason this guy took an interest in me. He wanted to talk about my religious beliefs. This is a wacky topic to start up with me but I had been drinking and did not care to share my views with this Japanese priest. I pretty much told him I hated organized religion and cited my reasons. He was at a lose of words and moved on to another topic before returning to the subject of my own personal spirituality. The man said something to me which had a major effect on me. `When a man`s past becomes too much for him to bear, he must strip himself naked and recreate himself to express what is inside of him.` We talked about a few other mindless things but that one piece of advise stuck with me.

Later that night I wondered around the city a bit just to see what was shaking. I ended up taking roost at a Yakiniku joint. They offered a 100 minute all-you-can-drink deal for 1,200 yen and meat plates for no higher than 350 yen. Only a blind fool hooked on crack would pass up such a deal. I was all alone considering that I was surrounded by native speaking Japanese who are not used to seeing `gaijin` as often as Tokyo folks are. Anyway, such forced solitude got me thinking about what the priest said. Maybe my past really is holding me back. Maybe all the shit which keeps me up at night IS the problem. As I gulped down glass after glass of poison it all became more clear to me; my past is fucking me in the ass daily. Such epiphany came to me just as the beef tongue started to blackened on the grill. I had to rip the meat off the grill and plop it on my plate. Perfectly good beef tongue gone damn near to waste due to my own self distraction. Yeah...self distraction.

Bam! Then it hit me like a prize winning fighter. My past is my own self distraction. I distract myself by dwelling on my rocky and controversial past. In order to be a true lean mean pipe wielding  force of unstoppable energy I must displace the monkey on my back and beat the shit out of that bastard with a steel baseball bat. The past must not define me; it only remains as lessons learned. With lessons learned came final call and a slight nudging to pay and slap some leather on the sidewalk.

And that is a religious experience in Japan...                              . 

Crossing My Moral Line Must Be Fun

Here I sit again late at night as the howling February wind beats against my humble little dug out in Tokyo. As usual I am struggling to find sleep. This has been a problem of mine for years. I really don`t sleep much. There is this thing about me which I don`t share with people so much. The shocking truth is that I have a really strong moral line. A lot of people might think that I don`t really have much of a moral line. It is true that I really like having a good time. I have done plenty of wild things which in some people`s eyes might seem very immoral. Such opinions are okay with me because I do push things to the edge sometimes just for the pure fucking thrill of it. That does not make me an immoral person. I have my own sense of integrity which does not need the approval of others. Still, crossing my moral line really pisses me the fuck off!

I can be a very understanding person. More understanding then most people you will ever meet. Yet, I have come across a lot of fuckers in Tokyo who seem to make it their goddamn goal in life to find someone`s moral line then step right over it for some sick jolly. This is not something which was normal back in the mountains of West Virginia. I mean, I would run across such dicks but it was actually pretty rare. It was a wise thing not to fuck with someone and be a general prick. In fact, such behavior usually ended up in a ass beating sooner or later. The only exception was after a lot of drinking; then there were no rules.

While mass amounts of drinking does allow for a lot of relaxing of moral lines all in the name of a good time, under regular situations wrong is wrong and right is right.

It is my belief that every human has a pure sense of right and wrong built into them by way of the human spirit. I am not talking about religion or any idea of `god` by any means. It is our unique sense of empathy, which is stronger and more self influential than other creatures, which creates in us the natural sense of right and wrong. Although, for many people they choose to resist and beat down such natural essence until they can no longer feel or understand it clearly. They do not do this by themselves. They get plenty of help from those who have embraced the darker aspects of human nature. Yet, I don`t accept being twisted by dark motherfuckers as an excuse for crossing the truth of the moral line which shapes me.

There are a few things which way too many folks have no problem stepping all over with little concern.

It is wrong to point out someone`s shortcomings without also trying to help them be stronger by offering compassionate gentle assistance.
In other words, cold blooded attacks on a person, either personally or professionally, meant to belittle and marginalize someone. That is fucked up! Don`t do it.

It is wrong to hate someone and treat them badly based simply on the fact they have physically attractive traits or unique abilities, educated skills or mindset.
In other words, don`t fuck over unique hard working people who are a little different from the accepted norm just because they are an easy target.. That is fucked up! Don`t do it.

It is wrong to use your position or title in business or otherwise to carry out personal attacks in order to satisfy your own jaded opinions.
In other words, it is not acceptable to be a prick just because you can get away with it. That is fucked up! Don`t do it.

It is wrong to assume that everyone is worthless until they do something which serves your own agenda.
In other words, it is not okay to be a little snake in the grass with a god complex. That is fucked up! Don`t do it.

It is wrong to attempt to control others to serve your own ego.
In other words, being a sick little sociopath is always fucked up and deserves nothing less than an ass kicking of a lifetime. That is always fucked up! Stop fucking doing it!

It is wrong to attain any joy from causing mental or emotional pain of others.
In other words, all you sick little fuckers who puke out malice comments directed at others to vent your own hatred of yourself need to realize that most people are struggling to understand their own identity as well. That is fucked up! Stop hating so much and love more.

These are just a few common things I have experienced folks doing here in the city with little hesitation. I try real hard to follow the natural essence of the built in human code of ethics. I am not perfect because I am a being of emotions; like every human. There are times when I give in to the twisted dark aspects of the human experience. Although, I try my best to never deny the essence of the human spirit which resides inside of me.

Now, have you got a taste of what my moral line is? You are getting a better sense of who I am? Well, either way you should keep reading future post and learn more about the life of a ghost in Tokyo.    

 
.     

The Walking Dead

So, I was pulling down some bread recently and I got into this `discussion` with this guy who has got to be old enough to have seen the bomb drop. I have `taught` this man many times before. He is okay usually but he has this habit of saying really depressing things and never following the flow of the lesson. Well, I must have gotten the luck of the draw because I had to `teach` this guy for two hours straight(two lessons back to back). What this throw back to Imperial Japan said to me was enough to really make me question the soul of the nation.

During the first lesson, which was an advanced discussion lesson, he had another old bag in the class with him. As usual he derailed the flow of the lesson as every given opportunity. It did not matter which section of the lesson we were doing, he was intent on doing his own thing. This of course pissed off the old chick and frustrated me to no ends. Yet, he did not give a fuck.. Fair enough, it`s his money and if he wants to rant on and on so be it. Although, when he had me all to himself things twisted in a very unexpected way.

After stepping out for a quick smoke, I return to the class to find that this guardian of the old faith had booked a lesson which had just been canceled. Being a keen old bastard he of course booked a group lesson knowing full well that no other student would want to have a lesson with his ass. I decided to use some material I had made myself. Usually, I would not waste something I made myself on this bitter stubborn old man. Although, it was a light day and I needed to try out some material. What material was on tap? Well, learning about extended metaphors though the works of Shakespeare of course! This had `old man will reject this and go on a cold blooded rant about society` written all over it. Despite this fact, I threw caution to the wind and used the material anyway.

I sat down with the hopes that this Emperor loving geezer would attempt to learn what I choose to attempt to teach him. At first he seemed to be gun-ho. I presented the topic to him and he was game at first. It was only when we started to modify one of Shakespeare`s  metaphors that this old geezer laid some cold blooded shit on me.
*Remember he never follows any lesson flow.

Old Geezer:
`It is a fact that there is no god. This is why some people have a very good life and others suffer deeply. Those who suffer will die and be gone from our society. They must suffer and they must die. We should never care  about other people. They cannot be helped. If we have any pity on other people, such an act only makes society weak. This is why no American can ever hope to understand we Japanese.`

How in the fuck do you even begin to respond to such a statement? For that matter, how to you maintain your professionalism when a student lays something like that on you?That old fucker smacked me in the face with the weight of the defunct Japanese Empire for seemly no good reason other than for his own sick jollies. He had this smug grin on his face as I struggled to press on with the lesson. With such cold blooded shit as an undercurrent in Japanese society no wonder things are so fucked at times. I have heard of such ideas being one part of modern Japanese society. I have also seen evidence of it in the manner in which the homeless and unemployed are generally treated. That was the first time someone from Japan had ever bluntly laid out the wolf pack mentally to me concerning Japanese society.

I need some feedback on this one. Was this old fart just lashing out at me because he has some old axe to grind with non-Japanese or was he simply stating an often unspoken fact about Japanese society?

The Darkest Fire Bruns Out The Heart of Wicked Men

In the brightest light of day I see the darkest heart of men. Many people pass right by them without a single clue. Yet, I can feel, smell, and even taste the allure of the blackest lust of men all around me. It pucks out a sinister excitement. If it does not blacken the heart of every man, at least it will taint the soul. Such darkness travels without detection from one soul to the next. It separates soul and mind, replacing only a madding lust for all things destructive. How am I able to resist it? I don`t try. Instead of trying to resist such madness, I prefer to be tainted by it rather than be destroyed by it.

I can sense the darkest hearts of the darkest men because their darkness also dwells inside of me. Yes, I feel all the blood lust, rage, corruption, coldness, and chaos which drives the common blackened man in all his endeavors. I have knowledge of the darkness which split his soul and mind into a mesh of chaotic endless madness. We do not know each others name`s yet we do know a certain sickness which lurks along the mass population like a burning black fire. While his heart has been overtaken by the darkness, I am only tainted therefore I am at natural odds with the darkest hearts of men.

This natural and unavoidable conflict can be so subtle and vague that a simple passing expression or eye contact is enough to spark a shared madness of undetectable looming doom by the non-inflicted. Our battle ground is the metaphysical plain of existence only known to those effected by the dwelling darkness. An explosion of a million atomic bombs release an enveloping cloud of protective black energy blocking out all sound and outside influence; there will be blood. We cast a million strikes with our swords in a millionth of a second. As we attempt to slice our minds into utter nothingness, we absorb the black fallout form such a massive release of raw dark energy. The fallout seeps into our hearts and begins a chain reaction of fire, rage and lust. He who burns quickest, burns shortest. I burn but not outward. My fire retains the one thing which cannot be ruined; knowledge that I am not wicked simply tainted.

Battle ends. The darkness in the heart of men carries on.  

It`s True! I am a Twisted Mother Fucker!

To say that I am a bit `out of place` in Japan is an understatement. I am not talking about the simple fact that I am not Japanese; because that is just a fact of life. In fact, I find the Japanese to be pretty interesting people. While I don`t agree with their overall mindset at times and unique ability to be distant even when it does not benefit them, I try to give them equal bearing even when they refuse to give it to me. I don`t really try to relate to them because it has been made clear to me that, as a nation and a culture, they don`t want anyone to relate to them. One of my biggest struggles living in Japan has been relating to other western foreigners.

Yall would think this shit would not be so hard. In the end, we are all in this together. One would expect some sort of natural common ground among the western foreign population. I have found that this is simply not the case. Now, before I go any further let me say that I do know some really cool people. They are few and far between but I do know some. Yet, for the life of me I seem to have a really hard time relating and befriending other `gaijin.`

I have spent countless nights staying up late attempting to understand what the root of the problem is. At times I have tried my damn hardest to be friendly and nice as I can be. Despite my attempts at friendship I find myself being awkward and left `out of the loop` way too often. I seem to find a way to make people have adverse reactions to me. Maybe I really am a twisted mother fucker. I go over the edge into the land of chaos a lot more than I should. Sometimes my rebellious nature may freak people out or give them the impression that I am somehow unhinged. To be honest, I don`t feel that way about myself.

I think due to a hell of a lot of crazy shit which has gone down around me, to me and because of me has made me sensitive to the world on a much different level  than a lot of westerners. I have experienced first hand a lot of madness in my life. Hell, I have touch death`s hand twice, partied in ways which would kill most men, hunted out thrills which are in no way safe, buried my own father, been involved in fights which should have killed me, grew up in one of the roughest backwoods areas of America and dated women wilder and more dangerous than a cobra. All of these things, combined with a few others, have given me a pretty unique spirit. Yet, I find myself struggling to not only find a comfort zone with Japanese but also bond with other `gaijin.`

I need to find a way to relate and express myself in a way which other people can get a handle on. People mock me and it pisses me off! I really do not like being marginalized by others lack of ability to understand me as a person. As I have always believed, `To know me is to love me.`  

The Stubborn Game

Games are very popular in Japan. Arcades can be found everywhere. Hell, I once stayed at a cheap love hotel which had a damn slot machine in the room! Yet, truth be told there is one game which it seems as if almost everyone in these parts love to play; The Stubborn Game. If you don`t know this crazy ass game then you don`t live in Japan. The rules are pretty simple. Basically, when someone wants or needs something you place unreasonable demands  on them and refuse to listen to anything they have to say until they do everything you want first. If the other person will not `cooperate` you attack them without end until they are emotionally and mentally raped. Many folks find this to be a very fun game worth countless hours attempting to win. Although, those of us who are sane know this is pure bullshit which drags people down to a very low level of thinking.The shit pisses me off and I am sure it pisses you off as well.

The problem is that `the stubborn game` is played so often by a hell of a lot of people it can be rather hard to avoid it. As for me I usually try to dismiss people when they try this shit with me. Let me give yall a real good example of how I attempt to deal with this often played game in the grand city of Tokyo. This example is simple but just goes to show the daily level of stubbornness that is the Tokyo lifestyle. I was in Takadanobaba a bit early before work so I decided to grab a quick cup of coffee. There is a coffee shop in the area that looked nice so I went inside. There is this lady who greets me and says gives me a table, which I thought was a bit odd for a damn coffee shop. I told her all I wanted was a cup of coffee. She gives a odd look and goes away. A few minutes later she brings me a coffee. Well, my work place calls me and needs me to go ahead and come to the branch. I asked the women to give me a to-go cup because I need to leave suddenly. She tells me that is not allowed and I will have to buy a to-go coffee. I tell her I already ordered a cup of coffee, and I want to get a take out cup for the coffee I just ordered. She says, `Sorry. Cannot do that. Must order another` in the best English she could muster. In response I say,`I am busy. Please help me. Give me a to-go cup for my coffee` in the best Japanese I could muster. She gets angry and demands I pay for the coffee I ordered. Well, I politely said no and left. I did not actually get any coffee in my belly.

The above example was a small one but this kind of thing goes down all the fucking time. The Stubborn game is so common I almost expect some stupid shit to go down  every time I need something from someone. It can really be a drag to depend on anyone in Tokyo. I am willing to bend a lot for people at times. Dammit when people start that `No. My Rules or you get nothing` shit it really makes it hard for me to be nice. I tried real hard to bend for this women. I was willing to pay for the coffee if would have simply gave me a to-go cup. Hell, I was planning on buying a little sandwich to take with me. The bitch just had to be stubborn as hell and place unreasonable demands on the situation. She was hell bent on milking the situation for all it was worth. She was not going to give me an inch. I could also be an unreasonable asshole all the time but I try really hard not to be. Yet, these days I got a much more well defined line and I just cannot let people cross me so damn much.   

The Ghost Letters V2011

Howdy Yall! Here I am holding strong in 2011. I find myself still living in the land of the raising sun. I am a little late logging this New Year report but better late than never. 2010 was one hell of a year for me. A lot of twist and turns made up 2010 for me. A lot of low points, along with a new highs, took me to places in my mind which have forever changed me. I have learned several things:The police in Tokyo really are fucked in the head, most people cannot see past the tip of their nose, anyone with a little bit of power will have an attitude about it,life can start and end real quick, drinking really can be an acceptable lifestyle, most people really will do just about anything to save their own ass, and last but not least most people are barbaric simple minded fucks with no manners. As negative as the above learned lessons sound, I have gained several positive resolves from my experiences in 2010.

Out of all the odd twist and turns which made up 2010 I learned something very true about myself. The fact of the matter is that I am a very unique person. I kind of knew this all along but I guess I was never really able to admit it to myself. I have spent way too much time attempting to be exactly who I am, while at the same time seeking acceptance from the world at large. The odd desire for social acceptance must be a natural human trait because most people spend a good amount of their lives seeking such acceptance. I have reached the point in which I can no longer worry so much about acceptance from others in all levels of my life. This is a bit easy to do on a personal level but professionally this is a bit harder.

Truth be told, the English teaching biz in Japan is filled with good old boy gangs, super egos and pricks who have little care for their fellow co-worker. I have seen some really brutal shit go down in this biz and I am sure I will see even more shocking behavior. I consider the situation to be truly sad because in the end all of the above mentioned things lead to a overall lower level of teaching. I firmly believe that if English teachers in Japan cut the bullshit they, myself included, could become some of the best ESL teachers in the world. Sadly, most of the English teachers in Japan are content to do just enough to get buy, refuse to pull themselves up to a higher level and play politics in order to protect themselves. Well, I have refused to do this shit with people anymore.

For me, most of the things that go on in the English teaching biz are a waste of my time. I really enjoy teaching English. I want to get better and bring myself to a higher level. I am sick of the bullshit! My focus is on two things as far as a teacher goes. I always want to try and get better and give no quarter to the unethical crap most teachers consider as normal. I will admit that there are a lot of companies which will always do fucked up things to teachers in the name of making a few bucks. I have deep compassion for anyone who catches the shitty end of the stick from a company because I experience the same things. Yet, from a pure teaching stand point please cut the shit and let`s get to the business of attempting to be the best teachers we can be. I want to learn from other teaches and I hope they want to learn from me as well. I am by no means the `god of teaching` and I don`t pretend to be. Yet, I am trying to be the best I can be at what I do in order to bring money home to my wife. In short, I will no longer worry about trying to impress any of my fellow teachers. Fuck anyone who comes to me, as a professional, with any ego or other such bullshit. Earn my respect the hard way by being friendly, open to learning from each other and ready to work hard together for mutual benefit.

In other news here are some other things I plan to add to my core of values as a human being:

There is no man or women who is above or below me as a human being. Everyone gets equal treatment from me until otherwise noted.

An Asshole is an Asshole and there is no room for debate on the subject

Children are beautiful and pure beings in this world. They should always be cherished and shaped into people who have far better moral fiber than we do. You are damn lucky to be blessed with the duty of raising a child.

I have been tainted by the darkness of this world, but I must not let that be an excuse or a reason for treating random people like common dogs. I am better than that.

Only a truly vile piece of shit would sell his/her fellow humans out just to avoid a similar fate. There is no excuse for it.

How dare you undermine me for your own selfish means. One day I will fuck you up for that!

And last but not least...Love your fellow humans, even if they hate your fucking guts.