Journey to the Center of My Mind

Here we are again yall. Another muse from the gaijin ghost of Tokyo. I have been real intense the past two months. At times I have been a real asshole. As usual, I have been fighting to survive. It has been like this all my life. It is just the way it is I guess. Yet, I have long since abandoned my own personal vision quest. Most folks spend their entire lives on a vision quest. Living their lives in tunnel vision. It is a wonderful way to live actually. Ya don`t have to be bothered with the concerns of what is happening around ya. The world could turn to shit and you would never know it. I stopped my vision quest at the age of 24.

At the tender age of 24 I decided who I was and what I was all about. I decided that my only choice was to fight for my own survival. I had been raised damn poor. I had struggled to make it as far as college. I felt that I was lucky to be alive. I realized that I will always be held underwater. It is Ryan Vs. The World. So, here I am now living in Japan. The struggles carries on it seems.

While I deeply love Tokyo, I still find myself at odds with the world at large. I don`t fit in, even among fellow gaijin. I don`t admit this very often but I often feel awkward when attending large parties with co-workers or drinking at a crowded bar. In the back of my mind this little voice says, `Fuck these people. They don`t really care about you and would most likely sell you out in a heart beat.` I try real hard to resist the emotions which are sparked inside of me when I hear that little voice speak to me. It is kind of like going against my gut feeling and submitting to logic. Yet, damn near every time I allow pure logic to rule over my judgment, I end up saying something I shouldn`t or someone takes advantage of me. As long as I stay on my guard everything is mostly okay. As soon as I cast off my natural keenness and gut reactions something get out of wrack.. This is not to say that people cannot make my heart bleed from time to time.

This is where things get complex. You see I know that most folks are little fucking snakes in the grass. There are a hell of a lot of people who will take advantage of me and step on me for their own gain. This raw fact of humanity makes it very hard to know when to bring the iron fist or the soft hand. Recently I have been using only the iron fist. I usually do that when I feel powerless or under an extended amount of high stress. Asshole Ryan is a very hard person to deal with. Even when people are trying to help me I will not trust them if I feel I am in a oppressive situation. Put me in a corner and I will come out fighting with all guns blazing. Everyone becomes a target and no one is spared my rage. It is shitty of me to be like that but too many years of having to fight to survive causes me to adopt this mindset. On the other hand it is hard for me to resist a person who is showing weakness. If I cannot see someone in situations which they need to make a moral judgment, their crying, grace, smiles or general down to earth attitude can confuse me and cause me to let my guard down. Unless I got some background or reference as a base, extremely friendly people concern me.

Still, I find myself having a deep sense of sympathy for my fellow humans. We are just rats running around in a grid controlled by truly vile pieces of shit. Those really running the show are far darker and twisted than anything us slaves could work up the balls to hold up as some kind of sick moral fiber. In the middle of defending myself from the rest of the rats and slave masters, I somehow still have a strong sense of love, honor and manhood firmly ingrained into my head.

Yeah, taking a journey into the center of my mind is not easy for me. There is some major screws loose along with several demons which need to be dealt with.    

Tainted By the Wickedness

I have lived in Tokyo for several years. It has been a fun ride mostly. Overall, I have enjoyed taking advantage of all that Tokyo has to offer. I could never discover such adventure and excitement in my beloved mountain home of West Virginia. Yet, in WV or Tokyo I am still Ryan. My brain works and same way as it did back in the mountains. I still view the world around me in a way which most people cannot wrap their heads around. It is not entirely their fault. Most people have been conditioned to function in a dream like state. They are only half awake most of the time. In my life experience I have noticed that most people do not mature past the age of sixteen. Most folks rely on the same childish shithead methods of getting what they want as they did when they were a fucking teenager. I thought this kind of thing was almost exclusive to the good old U.S.A. I thought that only in America could the population be turned into a mass hoard of Nazi Zombies more than willing to support anything which pleasures the sickest parts of their ego. Damn was I wrong big time.

Before anyone labels this post some kind of `Anti-Japan` rant, let me be clear and say that I am simply stating the truth. Truth is a reality which is not flexible. Screw all these snakes out there who say that `reality is what you make it.` That is bullshit. The truth is that Tokyo is infested by blood thirsty hoards of zombies just waiting to take a bite out of you. Selling each other out is the norm here not the exception. Think of all the underhanded backstabbing crap which would get someone`s ass beat into the dirt among upstanding company and that would be the behavior of the average person in Tokyo. There are some people who are open, friendly, decently honest and will not use you. It is rare but they are out there. Yet, for the most part the average person living in Tokyo are spineless and will sell each other out for VERY little reason.

It pains me to say such things but the truth is the truth. I am losing my faith in most folks who live in Tokyo; both Japanese and foreigners. With that said, I don`t hate living in Tokyo. This city has given me a lot. It has provided me with a life I could not have other wise. Although, being surrounded by the walking dead daily makes it hard to keep love in my heart. I think I am becoming tainted by the wickedness which all too often fuels Tokyo. I don`t want to become like the zombies I see and deal with daily. Everyday I feel the urge to be just as fucked up as the hoard of Nazi Zombies who take chunks out of me at random.

To resist being totally tainted I speak the truth to people. When I know someone is full of shit or telling me a lie, I call them on it quickly. Far too often I have said to folks, `You are telling a lie to me` or `Speak directly to me and remember I know what you are trying to do.` Even when I do that a lot of folks still try to pull shit on me. It is amazing. I think this progression of my mindset will be interesting. I must watch myself a bit closer and catch myself slipping into a twisted mindset. I will keep all of you posted on this for sure.