Saturday, October 22, 2011

System Error: Shut Down Advised

Okay. Yeah, things are been crazy recently. I am not talking about the good kind of crazy either. Something has finally boiled to the surface after a long time of simmering. Something inside of me has exploded. I cannot say that I did not see it coming. In fact, I knew it would happen one day. For years I have known that one day I would crack up. I am struggling to understand exactly what do. Mental health is not something dealt with very well in Japan. From what I have noticed it is consider a weakness rather than a serious problem which needs attention. No wonder there are so many crazy ass people in Tokyo. There is just not a lot of help for people here. So what do I do?

Over the last few days my behavior has become beyond extreme. It is like there is another person living inside of me. It just kind of takes me over with little notice. I am not a doctor or an expert about this kind of stuff but I do know how my mind is reacting. I can feel something happen with me. It kind of like my mind is split a bit. Suddenly, I have these two every extreme side to me. One side is very friendly, warm, loving and forgiving. The other side is cold, brutal, aggressive and prone to random acts of hate. It started showing itself about eight months ago but my mind was still trying to fight it off. It was like when I computer get a virus. At first the computer attempts to contain it to prevent any major damage until the user finds a way to kill it. That is exactly what my mind has been doing. Although, the user, in this case me, did not deal with the problem. So maybe my mind has logically decided to split in order to maintain myself. Like I said, I am not a doctor but this is what my head feels like currently.

I kind of understand what triggers it. Anytime I feel fear, doubt, confusion, or threatened this other side of me takes over. I become angry and focused like a tiger in the wild. I say things which should never be said. I do things which might get me killed. In general, I become a totally different person. It is not always extreme. It could be something as simple as saying something brutal to someone who makes me feel threatened. For example, when I am crushed on the train words like asshole and `you fuckers` fly out of my mouth. I know the situation cannot be helped but I give static all the same. Other times it can be much more extreme. As another example, I recently ended up getting into a fight at a bar. There was this really drunk women at the bar and she kept hating on me the entire evening. Just being disrespectful and not nice at all. When she started attacking my Americanism that is when I snapped. We got into a heated argument about America. Her boyfriend asked me to leave and that is when I took a swing at him. This guy was twice my size and could have easily killed me. Instead, he gently took a hold of and `dude get the hell out of here.` I think he saved my life. Yeah, I am avoiding bars for a good long time.

I am unable to go with the flow anymore. It is like my mind is at war with it self. Communication is becoming difficult for me. Talking to people who are gentle to me or while I am teaching is no problem. Actually, I think my English lessons have been a lot better recently. It is like I put a lot of energy into teaching as a way to clear my head. It feels better than ever to see the smiles and efforts of the students. They give me joy.

I have got to work this shit out soon. I cannot be sure I am right about everything I have written here because I am not trained to fully understand the human mind. I am sure that there must be a way to get this under control. Actually, I must get this problem under control. If I can find a way to manage these outbreaks to the point in which they don`t happen so often then I should be okay. I wanted to share this with yall because I don`t have a lot of people to talk to about this.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I`m Making Monsters for My Friends

It starts as soon as I wake up. The clock hammers my ears with the painful reminder that I must deal with yet another day of fighting off monsters created by the corp. machine of Japan. I look at the choices of suits hanging from the bedroon sliding door. Those damn suits...those fucking weapons of mass murder which kill part of me daily. They call me with the same death blow chants; `Hi bitch. Remember me? Yeah, come over here and offer up your body to the gods of greed and social murder.` My body moves but my mind refuses to play ball. I need chemicals in order to do this again. I fill my body with coffee and Lucky Strikes. No time for food; no time for you!

After a quick shit, shower and shave out the door I go. Another day of having a little Japanese dick rammed into my asshole for the benefit of some old fucker who lives on some remote tropical island. I bleed and he breeds. With each part that dies he, and his stripe, get fat from my blood sweat and tears. My madness is his pleaure. All of this and I have not even got on my first train yet.

At my home station I wait for the daily death ride to start. There are no smiles or the gentle warmth of the human experience. Only cold blank stares and hatred of the masses are to be found at the hangman`s waiting room. As the train arrives a  massive fight for a seat goes down. I get pushed punched and rib knocked as my fellow rogues attempt to stomp me into dust. I survive...this pisses everyone off. With each train I jump on, not into, the battle become more intense. They are out to get me I tell you! My death would provide entertainment for the masses of asses who long ago were beat into the slime of the earth. I am shit...but they are the slime crusted dicks and bitches who make our city the dark twisted place it is today. They would kill me if they thought they would get away with it. If they thought killing me would benefit them, I would surely be a dead man by sundown. Yet, somehow I make it to the school of no choice for the day.

I enter the so-called school and attain the title of exploited gaijin whore. Never am I considered a `real teacher.` At best, I can hope to be considered the gaijin with a brain. Real teachers must be Japanese and work in the systemtic shit hole known as the Japanese public school system. As long as I am everyone`s favorite monkey who makes students giggle all is well. Fuck that I say...I am actually going to attempt to teach something. Of course, the harder I try the more of an asshole I am in the eyes of elite fucks who have a golden Japanese dick in their ass. These gaijin pricks who long ago sold out consider me to be the `Black Sheep` in the company. Black Sheep I may be but sell out...EVER!

My clear resistence to the machine which produces brain dead shitheads does not pervent them from putting the weight of the world on my shoulders. Oh yeah! I am expected to save the company`s ass by using my magic to make a full house of students show up everyday. If my gaijin magic fails then I am a worthless pile of Korean dog shit. It is believed that gaijin have some magic power which can force students to show up and pay money. If that does not happen then clearly I am not using my magic and I am selfish. Come on gaijin! Use your magic and make us money. Don`t be selfish! We know you have magic powers. Yeah, fuck you too! In fact, fuck all of yall!

Yet, I do give credit where credit is due. `Hard Times` has been brought from the pages to real life. Damned if you do and damned if you don`t.

Yes...I`m making monsters for my friends.