I'm a Bad Man: Japan! Don't Fight Drunk Hill Billies on the Train

Howdy Yall! It goes without saying that getting into a fight on any train in Tokyo is a very bad idea. Don't get me wrong, if you gotta fight...you gotta fight. Yet, if you can avoid it, it is best to not fight on the train. There are so many things that could go tragically wrong during a train fight. Hell, getting arrested should be the least of your concerns. Remember, most trains in Tokyo are crowded pretty much at all hours they are running. Only early as hell in the morning, i.e. the first trains, and around 2:00 pm they can be a little lean. Although, the chances that you are going to get into a fight on the first morning train, or just after mid-day, is slim to none. If some shit is going to go down, it is going to happen during the morning commute, the afternoon commute or when everyone is getting shit faced at night. When the train is crowed, a massive amount of bad business can go down. For starters, if you throw a punch and miss, you just might end up socking a women dead in the face. That is not going to end well for you. Secondly, your little fist fight could inspire others to join in the fun. A train car is not a bar. A wild wild west cluster fuck brawl only works in a bar or on the street. Inside of a packed train car, filled to the brim with pissed off over worked Japanese, will end up with a lot people seriously injured or maybe even killed. So yeah, a train fight has many unseen dangers.

Yet, there are still times when avoiding a train fight is easier said than done.

I have had three little 'conversations' on the train. I am not talking about the southern gentlemen polite kind of conversations either. For some reason there is lack of folks willing to dish out a ass kicking in Tokyo. This sad fact explains exactly why there is an over flow of loud mouth assholes who just don't know when to stop while they are ahead. Don't get me wrong, Tokyo is a hell of a town! Yet, with all the nice things Tokyo has to offer, it also brings with it a lot of spoiled fuckers who are so damn self absorbed they actually believe their shit smells like roses. Well, they believe their shit smells like roses, until of course, they meet me.

I am willing to put up with a lot of shit just to get from point A to point B in order to do something I actually like, which is teaching English, and to make some money so I can put food on the table.  The daily crap that goes down on the trains in Tokyo is enough to drive someone over the edge and straight into a murderous rampage. Don't worry yall, I have never killed anyone in Tokyo. Yet, when my buttons are pushed, in that extra special way that only a dickless spoiled Tokyo salary man can do, I will stand by ground.

Now, the first time I had any problems on the train was actually pretty early on in this whole 'living in Japan forever' business. I had finished work early that day and decided to take my gal out for a few drinks in Ikebukuro. We got on the damn Joban line. That train is known for having a lot of crazy fuckers on it daily. Still, I never expect for any crazy asshole to come floating my way.

As we all know, shit gets stupid when we least expect it.

So, I was chatting up my gal when suddenly crazy asshole decided to pay me a visit. Out of no where I heard someone say, 'Motherfucker shut your fucking mouth!' I turned around to see who the fuck was saying such uncalled for comments. Some guy, at least twice my size, was giving me the devil stare while calling me out. To be honest, I was shocked. What the hell did I do to deserve such a verbal attack? So...I ask as much: 'Dammit buddy. Are you okay?' The following exchange went down as such.

Crazy asshole: 'I will be okay when you shut the fuck up!'
Tokyo Ghost: 'Now look here...I don't know you and besides I was not even talking to you'
Crazy asshole: 'You just shut the fuck up before I fuck you up...white boy'
Tokyo Ghost: 'I think your mouth is writing checks your ass cannot cash, buddy'

He gets right in my face and goes for the stare down. I actually had to look up at him to engage in the stare down(yeah, he was bigger and taller than me). I think every Japanese on the train was scared shitless of what was unfolding. He wanted to fight me so bad he could taste it. All I could say was, 'If you wanna brawl on this damn train I will, but know that we will both go to jail for this stupid shit.' I guess he came to his senses because at the next station he got off the train and said, 'I will be watching you' Whatever the fuck that meant.

The second time crazy asshole found me on the train was one time when I was way too drunk to even be on the train. It was summer in Tokyo. Yall know what summers in Tokyo are like, right? It was a hot summer night and I wanted to have a few beers on the street with some drinking buddies. So, of course I got hammered like a jackass. I actually had to have my buddies help me to the station. I must have been a pretty sad sight. Yet, an evening of drunken gaijin hijinks was not over for me.

I was somehow able to get on the damn train just fine. The only problem was there were no empty seats. A drunkard needs a seat while on the train. Standing up on the train will only piss the drunkard off and cause him to lose whatever since of civility he had left.

And sure as shit someone had to fuck with me.

I called up my gal for a very special drunk dial. My plan was masterfully thought out. I called her up and started ranting on about fucking rabbits on the train. She thought it was damn funny, but some hardened fella standing across from me did not share in my humorous drunken madness.  I get a very hard tapping of a finger on my shoulder. When I turn around he shakes his finger at me and tries to take my phone. Drunk hill billy logic made quick order out of the situation: Man laid hands on me-man tried to steal from me-time to get some shit started! The Redneck came out of me so damn quick I am sure the guy damn near shit his pants. I totally lost my cool. I started shouting some mad crazy shit while I had him pinned up against the damn train door. I think it went something like this, 'Motherfucker! You laid hands on me! What the fuck...are you retarded? And you tried to rob me! Fuck you! You dirty little Jap bastard! I should kill your sneaky Jap bastard ass!' Before any of you give me shit for behaving in such a manner....I know that was really fucked up. I should have never said that shit to that guy nor should I have pinned him up against the train door. But....fuck him! He had it coming. It is always a bad idea to mess with a drunk hill billy on a train in a large metro area. Almost every human on the planet knows the above fact is very true except the Japanese it seems. Yet, don't worry because I honestly felt like a total prick the next day. That guy got the raw end of the deal simply because he was Japanese and did not understand how the outside world works at all. Did I feel bad about it? Yes. Should I have mercy in the future? I should but I will not. The only way to make Japan a stronger nation is to stop feeling sorry for them and always showing them mercy.

I should have learned my lesson after that little drunken explosion. Sadly, one more thrown down needed to take place before I realized it is highly advised to maintain your shit while on the train.

This one actually happened early last summer. My stress level had started to get out of hand during that time. None the less, it was still fun to thrown down a few cold ones with co-workers to blow off steam. This was also before it had finally sunk into my head to stop getting hammered drunk so much. I took one of my few trusted gaijin co-workers, along with two young gals who work in the company, out for a night of getting wasted. This was bad to start off with because I was the only one who did not have to work the next day. I should be better than to take my co-workers out and get them wasted all night knowing full well they have to work the next day. The hell with it! They are big boys and girls and know exactly what they are getting into. Anyway, it was a crazy drunken night and some things went down I would rather not repeat.

The really crazy part did not happen until day break.

I said farewell to my co-workers and hoped on the train. I was standing on the train half drunk, tired, wearing jackboots, boot cut jeans and a free Tibet T-shirt on. Yeah, I looked like a real class act. It was very clear that the best thing to do was leave me be. Yet, Japan would just not have it that way. Some fat ass middle aged salary man just had to be a prick at exactly the wrong time. The guy started snorting at me and saying 'drunk gaijin go home.' I was not in the mood to deal with that sort of thing at 6:30 am. I tried my best to brush him off but he started getting louder and louder. All I simply said was,'Nani?' His genius response,'You a drunkard. Go home.' We quickly started arguing about my legal status for living in Japan. It got heated pretty quick. I finally got tired of this racist B.S and told him to get up and do something or leave me the hell alone. And you know what? He actually got up and tried to do something about my gaijin ass living in his nation. Sadly, the damn guy had the fighting ability of a 16 year old J-girl. He started waving his arms around in an attempt to slap me. I started decking him in the face until he decided to sit the fuck down and chill out. After he sat back down, with blood coming from his mouth, he just kind of looked at each other with black heart stares. That little live action social warfare was something no one of that train expected to see before 7:00 am. Again, I scared the shit out of everyone on the train. The funny thing about the whole stunt was that he got off at the next station and everyone else acted like nothing happened. Japanese are always good for keeping a secret when you really need them to keep something on the down low.

After that last fucked up train action I swore to myself to not get into anymore shit on the train. Fighting on the train is not good and should always be considered unacceptable. Point blank: Don't do it! Just because I have done it does not mean everyone else should also do it. Although, it will forever be hard for me to shame anyone else for train fighting because my hill billy ass is guilty as sin.


There is only one positive thing about my days on the train fighting circuit: Japan has learned to never fight hill billies on the fucking crowded Tokyo trains.

Helping a Drunken Tokyo Fool

Recently, I did a post about a drunken bastard with his face beat in for doing something fucked up at a hostess bar(according to his drunken Japanese). While I did not have much mercy for him, there are others I do feel sorry for, enough so that from time to time I help them out a bit.

Case in point was my arrival at my home station of Aoi earlier tonight. The work day had been good enough. No major problems to report other than feeling like a man on an island; which I have experienced before with the company I work for. I was feeling in a odd mood on my train ride home. My recent wave of self-awareness has heightened my understanding of just about everything around me. I am usually very self-aware but recently it has gone into overdrive. I feel myself transforming so far beyond the stomach zombies which surround me daily that I am shocked by just how much most people miss around them.

Anyway, after fighting to step off the train at Aoi station I noticed this fella sitting on a bench in what appeared to be a drunken coma. Judging from his plain cheaply produced business attire, he was not a rich man by any means. I was pulled toward him as if something had taken control of my mind and body. I was not acting on my own accord. As I woke him up it was as if I was watching the actions of someone else from a first person perspective. I said to the man in Japanese,`Hay. You okay. You live in Aoi? Stop sleeping! Last train is coming.` When I touched this man he was suddenly filled with energy and sprung back to life. I could not tell if he was speaking to me in Japanese or if I was having one of those moments when I understood Japanese so well that it seemed like he was speaking in English(remember I am not the master of Japanese by no means). He said,`Aoi is not my home. Aoi is your home?` I pointed to the train arrive sign and said,`Go home okay. Your wife is waiting.` I don`t know how I knew he was married but he agreed that his wife must be missing him. I hold him to take the next train and I left. He tried to follow me but I had gotten on the elevator before he could catch up with me.

I did not feel in full control of myself until I had gotten to street level. As two local young Adachi gals stared at me, I lit a smoke and took a deep breath. I hope that damn fool is thankful I woke his ass up.  

Who Kicked Your Ass Buddy?

The amount of crazy shit I see in Tokyo daily is enough to fill several volumes of an epic novel. I don`t even write about half of the things I either get into directly or simply witness. Tokyo is a much rougher city than most folks will ever admit. Case in point is the gentlemen in the photo to your left.

I don`t know who did it but someone fucked this guy up. I was on my way home when I first spotted him. I had made it to Nishi-Nippori station and was waiting to transfer on the Chiyoda line. He was trying to stand up but it appeared to be a loosing battle. He was close enough to me that I was able to get a smell of him. The bastard smelled like cheap beer and blood mixed with cheese feet. Mother fucker had gotten into some really bad shit for sure. The train finally arrived a few minutes later and he disappeared into the mass hoard of sorry fucks crowding the train. I thought I would never see him again; boy was I wrong.

The Chiyoda line from Nishi-Nippori to Kita-Senju was more packed than usual. I was sure this dude most likely scared the shit out of enough weak ass J-gals and was carried away by station staff at Machiya station.Damn if I was wrong! The bastard managed to survive all the way to Kita-Senju. It was at Kita-Senju station that some of this guys story finally came out in the wash.

You can figure that I was really fucking surprised to see this beat up fucker at Kita-Senju. Right there at the TX platform he was still struggling to stand up on his own. This time he was attempting to talk on his phone. My Japanese is still limited, but damn better than it used to be, so I was only able to make out some of what he was attempting to say. It sounded like he was talking to his wife. I was able to clearly make out the following, `Sorry. I got into a fight at a hostess bar. I am bleeding.` At that point I said to myself, `Fuck this asshole!` I don`t have a lot of respect for fellas who go to hostess bars all the damn time. I understand that most of these guys are going because something is missing at home. They need a women who can make them feel like a man; at least for a little while. I get that...really I do. Yet, it would be better to work on things at home rather than give up and run to some young greedy bitch you will suck all the money they can out of some lonely guy looking for a little respect and attention.

Any god damn way, when the local train finally decided to show its slow ass, the idea popped into my head to get a picture of this sorry fucker.

My feelings about this truly sad mixed up fella is complex. On one hand my heart goes out to him. He most likely had a fucked up day at work and his wife is probably a cold blooded bitch. He went to some low down hostess bar to have some young fine ass gal cheer him up. Sadly, while at the hostess bar he must have had one too many drinks, got too friendly with one of the gals, and some Yakuza bouncier beat his face in proper. On the other hand...Fuck him! His wife will forgive him and their relationship will keep on being a joke. His company is paying for his national health insurance so he will not pay a fucking dime to have his face fixed up. 99% percent of foreign English teachers get no support from their companies to help them pay that fucking over priced nation health insurance tax. If I pulled the same shit he did my wife would divorce me and I would get stiffed with trying to pay to have my face fixed up; even after the so-called discount I get from the national health insurance tax.

*So, I am wondering what kind of stuff yall want to see me write more about in the next few posts: Teaching(all aspects of it), thoughts of the state of Japan, J-blogging community, the inner workings of my mind, or the chaos that is Tokyo.  Please don`t request any lame ass `wow Japan` stuff. I gave up writing about such things a long time ago. 

How do I get there? The Easy Way to Find Your Train Route.

One of the common questions I hear fly out the mouth of my fellow gaijin is, `How do I get there?` Japan seems to have one of, if not, the best train systems in the world. You can reach just about any location in Japan by train. It is truly amazing for me to see just how detailed the train system is at times. Even some of the more remote areas of Japan have a train station!

While the system is very detailed, clean, and on time; it can be a challenge to get your head around how it works exactly. When I was visiting Japan I usually had a native with me to lead me around. It was not until I started actually living in Japan did I realize the challenge of trying to use the trains on a daily basis.

At first, I got lost often. I tried to understand things as best I could, but I would end up taking the wrong transfer or head in the wrong direction. It was pretty embarrassing sometimes. Yet, after a few months I got the hang of things. It is rare for me to get lost using the trains these days.

While I used the trail by fire method to get a handle on the train system; there are plenty of people who are either too busy or not brave enough to jump in head first. Well, I have found the best tool to find your train route in Japan. Jorudan.co.jp is the best resource for finding exactly `how to get there` in Japan. The link I provide is the English version. I have tried it on several spots around Japan it has given me good results every time. The best part is that it gives you several ways to get to your desired location by sorting results by: fast,low price,easy,air and bed. It will even give you routes by price and time. You know, some companies ask employees to choose the cheapest route to work.

I suggest giving this site a go. It is very useful for traveling in Japan.

Homeless Mingration

All last week I have noticed a slight change in the type of passengers on the trains in Tokyo. What I mean, is that I have seen a hell of a lot more homeless bums riding the trains. It is not all the strange for me to see some dirty bum riding the train, while at the same time, grossing everyone out. Well last week I noticed a sudden increase in dirty bums riding the train. For some reason there are a lot more homeless bums riding the Yamanote line between Ikebukuro and Nippori stations. The times I have seen the most of them is between 7:00 am and 1:30 pm. They would not trouble me so much if it was not for the fact that they smell so bad.

Oh man! The bums of the Yamanote line produce a legendary funk which burns the noise hair of all who come in contact with them. It is a really uncomfortable situation for everyone in the car. The shitty thing is they seem to get on the train only when it is packed to the brim. It has been a long time since some of these fucks have taken a decent bath. I should feel sorry for them but considering that there are plenty of public baths in Tokyo there is no excuse for smelling like pure shit.

I could go on and on about the bad smell, but it is the recent increase of bums on the train that has peak my interest. I wonder what is going on? Have the police started a crack down on the homeless? Are they moving around to avoid some recent trouble? Hell, I really don`t have a clue. I have not seen any police fucking with the homeless in a long time. I used to see it a lot when I first arrived in Tokyo. These days, I almost never see that kind of behavior from the police. Maybe it is just that time of year when the homeless move from their winter spot to their summer spot. Anyone have any insight into the recent movements of the homeless?

Eki Beer

Slowly my habits have changed since moving to Tokyo. I find myself doing things which I have never had the habit of doing before. Case in point is the after work Eki beer. I know that some people would make a big fuss about drinking a beer on the train after work. I don`t understand why some people get upset about it; but they do all the same. Anyway, usually I grab a tall boy from the local 7-11 on my way home. It is easy for me as well as convenient. The train ride from Nerima to Bukudo is lonely as not so many people are using the local train when I get off work. So, I can get a whole car to myself to relax and a tall cold one.

I have been doing the `Eki beer` thing for several months now. It is kind of like an after work tradition for me. I really do not feel like I have gotten off work until cold beer passes across my lips. Well, after a while all traditions must be modified just to keep things fresh. So, recently i have had more interaction with instructors and management. This leads to many more chances to go out and get hammered. Sadly, getting totally smashed everyday after work really wears me down. A solution to this is the Eki beer at the station. Recently, when I have a partner for the day we usually end up have an Eki beer after work. When we arrive at bukudo we hang out for a bit at the station and finish off our beers. While this is fun nothing beats buying a few cans of beer and slamming then down at front of the JR Yamanote central entrance. I have caught several good buzz right there at the JR Yamanote gate.

So, remember kids if you really want to relax after work grab yourself cheap beer from the 7-11, find a good seat on the train, and slam down a cold one. Even better plan a meet up with a drinking buddy for a few rounds at the station. A change of pace is good for everyone.

The World Best and Most Depressing Train System

Tokyo has one of the most detailed and efficient train systems in the world. A person would be hard pressed to find a place in Tokyo which cannot be easily reached by train. The trains are very clean, well kept, and most importantly on time. Sadly, a ride on a train in Tokyo is also one of the most depressing experiences in the city.

When I was just making trips to Tokyo I did not notice the ice cold vibe of the train system. Now that I live in Tokyo the daily cold shoulder the trains offer is like a brick to the face. Too often when ever I step foot on a train in Tokyo I feel like I am either attending a funeral or being rushed off to a hot war zone. Most people maintain such a grim expression on their face that if the train made a stop at hell station the devil would opt to wait for the next one.

My daily commute to and from work is never made any more pleasant by the atmosphere on the train. In the morning the trains are filled with men dressed in the most bland colors one could choose for a suit. They all look like they are off to serve a wicked corporate master who long ago claimed their soul. There is not one inch of happiness in these people. I cannot tell which they hate most; themselves or the job they are about to slave away at for countless hours. They have the ability to even lower the lighting on the train. The trains in Tokyo have very bright lights but if I stand up and look at all the people somehow the lights seem to dim. Everything inside the train seems to take on a blue&gray tint. It is like I have walked into a David Lynch movie. Any second I expect one of the salary men to look me right in the eyes and say, `I am the devil. I have come for your soul.`

The evening commute gets a little better but only on the Yamanote line. The Yamanote line does come alive with colors and sound in the evening hours. Still, there is this strange feeling that I just cannot shake. Some people talk but for the most part a silence as if the Emperor just died over powers the senses. On trains in Tokyo it can get so silent in fact that you can hear the light snoring sounds of people sleeping. It is a common sight to get on the train and see nothing but people dead silent with their heads down trying to avoid having any contact with other humans. While sometimes a gang of loud school girls or a small group of happy drunks break the silence, usually a sad bunch of people ride inside of a speeding hunk of metal without saving a word to each other.

In Tokyo people work their ass off from sun up to sun down so I expect there are a lot of tired people riding the train just trying to reach the comfort of their homes. Although, I refuse to accept this as an excuse to get on the train and behave as if the world and everything in it is dark and ugly. The vibe on trains in Tokyo must to be a factor to the high suicide rate. It is bad enough that many people are over worked and underpaid. After a long work day they have to get on a train that sends a message to them saying, `Your right. The world sucks, people are mean and cold, and your life sucks as well. Why don`t you just get off the train and toss yourself into the next one that comes by.`

Maybe it would be good for Tokyo if people lightened up a little on the train. Smile at each other once and a while. Say hello or ask how the person besides you is feeling today. Give your set to the old lady struggling to stand up. Do something other than have a grim look on your face and a fuck you attitude whenever anyone looks at you. Please! This dark train attitude is only making people more depressed than they already feel each and everyday. Maybe the free hugs people should get on the train and start hugging people. Just start hugging people while saying a I love you to everyone. Hell, it might actually work.

Anyway, train behavior in Tokyo can be pretty depressing sometimes. This still does not stop me from loving living in Tokyo. I would just like to see the train experience be a bit more of a happy one.