Thursday, April 14, 2011
There are many things you can take from a man and not break him. Although, if the one thing which gives him purpose and reason for living is removed from his life he will be broken. The one thing which gives me purpose seems to be slipping away from me. I hate to admit this but I am struggling to come up with a way to keep what is so dear to my heart. My entire adult life has been focused on only one person. All I know is this one person. When I get right down to it she is my life. I know that matters of the heart is something which turns a lot of people off. There is so much pain in our post-modern world that it can be hard for others to have mercy for those whose lives are being crushed. Yet, I fear this is what is happening to me.
This might very well be the first time I have written so openly about this topic. I tend to shy away form this kind of thing when writing but this blog is an expression of my life for better or worse. It really looks like the love of my life is leaving me. It is hard to put into words how I am feeling at this moment. She really is all I know to be true and good in this dark twisted world. Things are on the verge of ending in explosive fashion. Looks as if I will lose everything this time. The hardest thing to give up is this long deep bond I have with another human being. I am 31 now so that means I have been with this gal for 12 years. As the reality of her disappearing sets in I feel something eating away at me. It started in the pit of my stomach and has been spreading throughout my body. It has made it to the tips of my fingers and has begun clouding my mind with a blanket of darkness. I have never felt this way before. I don`t know what this is exactly. I can only describe it as a kind of death. A part of me is dying and I can feel it.
The effects are very unexpected to say the least. There is this disconnection I am feeling towards other people. I cannot feel the warmth and presence of others like I used to in the past. They are like balls of clay to me. This is not a pleasant experience. I find myself crossing the street without even looking. I have developed a total lack of concern for things around me. I have tunnel vision. I can only see my face of my darling in my mind. Everything else is just a means to an end. Work has become a chore of greed and money. As these effects set in I can see myself slowly becoming someone very different from what I am today. I really don`t want to end up one of those jaded empty souls known as divorced husbands.
Despite all of these things, I will battle on in an attempt to keep the one person who has given me purpose all these years. She really is all I know. She is so connected to my life that I fear I cannot life alone. I know it is shocking to read me write such a thing. It is shocking for me to admit this to myself. If she really does end up disappearing from my life, I will have to take a hard look at my ability to survive without her. A divorce will mean I lose almost everything. I will not have much to speak of. Living as a spartan would be calling it an understatement. I have no life to return to in the states so Japan is effectively my home. The visa issue will be a mess of shit I cannot even start to understand clearly right now. Every step of the way over the past 12 years she has been by my side helping me. It seems that she may have helped me too much as I think of all the things I will have to handle by myself.
As the situation may end up really bad I am holding on to the little hope that our bond will not be broken. The magic spark which has kept us connected all these years might somehow pull us back together. If it cannot then I face one of the darkest periods in my life.
Ah yes...the life of a ghost in Tokyo is getting complex....
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Currently it seems the god of chaos has again chosen me for hardship. While I am no stranger to hard times, it never gets easier with experience. It does in fact become more intense with experience. Life appears to be an endless journey of peaks and valleys. The peaks are never high enough and the valleys never low enough. Just when it seems I have finally found the highest peak in all the world I fall headfirst into a valley. These things should be expected but it is shocking and emotionally and mentally damaging every time. Yet I still wonder if there is a way to end this cycle without also ending life itself?
If life is all about a series of tests, lessons and learning then there must come a point in which falling down happens less often. These must come a day when a person is forgiven for his/her failings as a human and the grace of the gods are blessed upon us. The pain of failure and falling from glory and happiness is harder and harder to take each time it happens. I find myself, as I do now, going over every misstep and misguided decision I took to reach the point I find myself at this moment. I know I will end up doing this for a while. Trying to find a reason to forgive myself and the situation at large.
It is during these hard times of falling down that I often think of the Japanese cherry blossom. It is one of the greatest metaphors for pure happiness and quick sudden tragedy. When the blossom first starts to show itself it is hardly noticeable. It sprouts in a very gradual and unassuming way. Before you know it, the cherry blossom surrounds you in a blanket of beauty and happiness. The blossoms can make any man smile and fill his heart with youthful glee. Yet as quickly as it beings such happiness it fades away and becomes a distant memory. Life is strange like that you know. As soon as things become pleasant; everything is worn down and reduced to a shadow of its formal goodness.
Unlike the cherry blossom, life always moves forward and never takes a break. When I fall into these dark valleys life keeps pushing on with or without me. What happens in the next few weeks is very uncertain. There is only one thing which is certain; my life will never be the same.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
So here we are one month into all of this madness and I am still still holding strong. I have not become one of the `flyjin` who bailed after the massive quake that rocked Japan. For better or worse I am here and trying to see this one out.
When I think about I really have no other place to go. I cannot really call America home for the most part. I could go home but what would I be returning to? Going back to West Virginia would be a waste. While I love my mountain home there is very few chances for jobs or even a decent life. I grew up hard, and often reduced to damn near the level of a wild animal, and I have no wish to return to that kind of life. I got a few offers from people to come and live in other parts of America. Those tempting offers are still in the back of my mind, but for now I am staying here in Japan.
If am I going to attempt to ride this out I must adjust to the new normal. Daily earthquakes has been something which is a hell of a lot to get used to. It is really fucked up to have earthquakes as an alarm clock but this is becoming a reality. There have been so many quakes that I stopped trying to keep count. I am sure the number has got to be around 1,000 now. It is kind of like living on a trampoline; just as it seem stable you get bounced around and fall on your ass.
The radiation scares are a twist which makes everyday a little extra tense. While the government keeps telling everyone that things are okay in Tokyo, The nuclear plant in Fukushima keeps puking out radiation everyday. The Japanese government announced that Fukushima nuclear power plant is a level seven disaster. This is the worst kind of nuclear disaster. Kind of makes me really wonder about how well TEPCO is handling things. There still seems to be no real end to the whole situation.
I am still holding out for as long as I can. I am drinking bottled water and keeping up with the latest information. It is a exciting and dark time to be in Japan.