To say that I am a bit `out of place` in Japan is an understatement. I am not talking about the simple fact that I am not Japanese; because that is just a fact of life. In fact, I find the Japanese to be pretty interesting people. While I don`t agree with their overall mindset at times and unique ability to be distant even when it does not benefit them, I try to give them equal bearing even when they refuse to give it to me. I don`t really try to relate to them because it has been made clear to me that, as a nation and a culture, they don`t want anyone to relate to them. One of my biggest struggles living in Japan has been relating to other western foreigners.
Yall would think this shit would not be so hard. In the end, we are all in this together. One would expect some sort of natural common ground among the western foreign population. I have found that this is simply not the case. Now, before I go any further let me say that I do know some really cool people. They are few and far between but I do know some. Yet, for the life of me I seem to have a really hard time relating and befriending other `gaijin.`
I have spent countless nights staying up late attempting to understand what the root of the problem is. At times I have tried my damn hardest to be friendly and nice as I can be. Despite my attempts at friendship I find myself being awkward and left `out of the loop` way too often. I seem to find a way to make people have adverse reactions to me. Maybe I really am a twisted mother fucker. I go over the edge into the land of chaos a lot more than I should. Sometimes my rebellious nature may freak people out or give them the impression that I am somehow unhinged. To be honest, I don`t feel that way about myself.
I think due to a hell of a lot of crazy shit which has gone down around me, to me and because of me has made me sensitive to the world on a much different level than a lot of westerners. I have experienced first hand a lot of madness in my life. Hell, I have touch death`s hand twice, partied in ways which would kill most men, hunted out thrills which are in no way safe, buried my own father, been involved in fights which should have killed me, grew up in one of the roughest backwoods areas of America and dated women wilder and more dangerous than a cobra. All of these things, combined with a few others, have given me a pretty unique spirit. Yet, I find myself struggling to not only find a comfort zone with Japanese but also bond with other `gaijin.`
I need to find a way to relate and express myself in a way which other people can get a handle on. People mock me and it pisses me off! I really do not like being marginalized by others lack of ability to understand me as a person. As I have always believed, `To know me is to love me.`