Not Evil But Darker

Something has changed about me. A recent post by Loco at Loco in Yokohama got me thinking about the dark soul I have become since I first started living in Tokyo several years ago.

There is something about this city which twist the hearts of men. Tokyo is not like other cities in the world. There is a very dark force which infects the once jewel city of Asia. A certain madness grips your soul and changes you into something else...something stranger than before.

Yes...something stranger...

I used to be more friendly with folks. I used to trust most people. I would rarely think ill of folks I met for the first time. I was out going and generally happy. These days I am a different animal all together. I am keen and mean way too often. I am like a dragon breathing fire and aggressive as a Tom Cat in heat. Every fucking time I trust someone and I get fucked over big time. I do not see or experience much pure goodness. I deal with raging assholes daily. I have learned to be an even bigger asshole in order to survive.

While I have not gone pure fucking evil, I am a much darker person than I was before. While I was wild as hell in the Mountains of West Virginia, I was not like I am now. It took me a while to realize that I am stranger than before. It has been little things which has made me realize just how different I am these days.

For example:

I used to have a concern for the dull and depressing nature of the trains in Tokyo. I used to make myself smile on the train in the hope that someone would smile back. Now, I am just as much a brutal rib knocking asshole as most of the sorry fucks on the train.

When I first moved to Adachi-ku years ago, I made daily attempts to at least say hello to my down stairs neighbor in the morning. After years of those pricks treating me like I am the fucking devil, I just give them the same dirty looks they give me.

I used to really give a damn about being a `nice guy` at work. I tried to be cool with the J-staff and always liked working with a new teacher. Now, I might very well be the hardest fucker to work with in the history of foreign English teachers in Japan. I am quick to demand answers to fucked up shit and tend to treat any teacher, who have not shed blood for the company with me, like a treasonous  bastard.

I used to make a decent effort to by polite to folks. These days, all too often, I will speak the raw truth any time and any where without any concern for others feelings. The more sensitive a person is the more I tend to try to piss them off on purpose at times. I used to never to do that but now I have reached the point in which such people just make me sick.

In general I have lost a lot of faith in humanity. I have seen and experienced so much shit in Tokyo that this twisted city has make me a bit more dark than I ever thought. It may get the best of me. Yet, there are times when I am guided by goodness. It is rare but it still happens. I am not evil just much darker than before.