Saturday, October 22, 2011

System Error: Shut Down Advised

Okay. Yeah, things are been crazy recently. I am not talking about the good kind of crazy either. Something has finally boiled to the surface after a long time of simmering. Something inside of me has exploded. I cannot say that I did not see it coming. In fact, I knew it would happen one day. For years I have known that one day I would crack up. I am struggling to understand exactly what do. Mental health is not something dealt with very well in Japan. From what I have noticed it is consider a weakness rather than a serious problem which needs attention. No wonder there are so many crazy ass people in Tokyo. There is just not a lot of help for people here. So what do I do?

Over the last few days my behavior has become beyond extreme. It is like there is another person living inside of me. It just kind of takes me over with little notice. I am not a doctor or an expert about this kind of stuff but I do know how my mind is reacting. I can feel something happen with me. It kind of like my mind is split a bit. Suddenly, I have these two every extreme side to me. One side is very friendly, warm, loving and forgiving. The other side is cold, brutal, aggressive and prone to random acts of hate. It started showing itself about eight months ago but my mind was still trying to fight it off. It was like when I computer get a virus. At first the computer attempts to contain it to prevent any major damage until the user finds a way to kill it. That is exactly what my mind has been doing. Although, the user, in this case me, did not deal with the problem. So maybe my mind has logically decided to split in order to maintain myself. Like I said, I am not a doctor but this is what my head feels like currently.

I kind of understand what triggers it. Anytime I feel fear, doubt, confusion, or threatened this other side of me takes over. I become angry and focused like a tiger in the wild. I say things which should never be said. I do things which might get me killed. In general, I become a totally different person. It is not always extreme. It could be something as simple as saying something brutal to someone who makes me feel threatened. For example, when I am crushed on the train words like asshole and `you fuckers` fly out of my mouth. I know the situation cannot be helped but I give static all the same. Other times it can be much more extreme. As another example, I recently ended up getting into a fight at a bar. There was this really drunk women at the bar and she kept hating on me the entire evening. Just being disrespectful and not nice at all. When she started attacking my Americanism that is when I snapped. We got into a heated argument about America. Her boyfriend asked me to leave and that is when I took a swing at him. This guy was twice my size and could have easily killed me. Instead, he gently took a hold of and `dude get the hell out of here.` I think he saved my life. Yeah, I am avoiding bars for a good long time.

I am unable to go with the flow anymore. It is like my mind is at war with it self. Communication is becoming difficult for me. Talking to people who are gentle to me or while I am teaching is no problem. Actually, I think my English lessons have been a lot better recently. It is like I put a lot of energy into teaching as a way to clear my head. It feels better than ever to see the smiles and efforts of the students. They give me joy.

I have got to work this shit out soon. I cannot be sure I am right about everything I have written here because I am not trained to fully understand the human mind. I am sure that there must be a way to get this under control. Actually, I must get this problem under control. If I can find a way to manage these outbreaks to the point in which they don`t happen so often then I should be okay. I wanted to share this with yall because I don`t have a lot of people to talk to about this.