The pressure is finally starting to get to me a little. It usually takes a lot of shit thrown at me to see any cracks in the iron coat so to speak. I may be a little of an emotional person but I can take some heat when needed. Although, as of late the pressure in my life is starting to build to the boiling point. I am starting to feel like I am going to snap.
I really do not like this feeling at all. There has been way too much uncertainty in my life. Japan can be a really high pressure society. They can expect too much from people. It is as if they do not understand that no one is perfect. People will make mistakes everyday and there is no need to jump all over someone`s ass so much. With all the things going on in my life right now I feel like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. I am trying my best to handle this pressure but it is becoming harder and harder everyday. The stress coming from my personal life, job, money, language issues, and figuring out where I fit in the overall scope of things is taking its toll on me. I have got to find a release valve soon.
Maybe one of the reasons I am feeling a lot of pressure is that there are a lot of uptight people that I have to deal with everyday. You know the type, always having high expectations and never being happy with the results of your effort. I really want to tell some of them to fuck off but that would only make matters worse. It seems the harder I try to more upset they are with me. Japanese society can be really insane sometimes. I am trying to be a thoughtful person but I have my days when I just want to relax and not care so much. I cannot be perfect! I have been making progress in my forced self-improvement but it takes time to live up to some of the standards placed on me. I really do not want everything to fall apart but I am starting to struggle to keep the whole ordeal together.
My current game plan involves trying to make a person happy who seems to be all smiles one day and angry as a bull the next. The emotional roller coaster is gonna have to stop or I am going to start having some serious panic attacks. There is also the fact that I really want to change jobs and the job hunt is proving to be a mess all of its own.
I am confident that I will find a different job so I can tell my current company to go fuck themselves but it is gonna take time. I really do not like the people I am working for anymore. I love teaching but the people in management are not the kind of people I want to work for at all. They just fuck around too much with me. Not only that but the company itself is not stable. I cannot work an unstable company. Maybe if I was in my early 20`s I could work for this kind of company but I am getting close to 30 now so I need something more stable. I got a interview this Friday with a company that I would really like to work for on a long term basis. The job itself looks to be a lot of fun and the students would be great to teach. I got everything ready to go for the interview at this point so wish me luck.
Well, I do hope the pressure will let up soon. In the back of my head I feel that everything will be fine. I just got to be a little more keen about things in the coming months.