You know I have been thinking about something recently. This has been a really tough year for me. I have had to deal with some really heavy, fucked up and silly shit which would be enough to drive a perfectly sane man to the crazy house. It has been one of those years when everything seem to happen at once. It has been a lot to deal with to say the least. So I have been thinking that it may be time for a change in direction a bit.
While I have no plans to leave Japan any time soon, I am reaching a level of stress which is starting to effect my mental well being. I have not felt this kind of high stress level many times in my life. It usually does not turn out well from past experiences. When I finally crack it is something no one should ever witness. I have done some pretty crazy things in the past in order to purge the shit of humanity from my sorry mortal soul. I know that if something like that happens in Japan I will end up in a world of shit from which I will never return. So what the hell is pushing the buttons of your lovable working class hero?
Well, aside from a lot of little things which have been building up there are two big things which are pushing me to the breaking point. Earlier this year my wife and I lost an unborn child due to medical reasons. The little one never really had a chance in this world. It was only forming in my wife`s body for about four weeks before her body rejected it. It got stuck in one of her tubes and almost killed her. I will ever forget looking down at the mass of blood and human tissue which was suppose to be my child. After the operation to save my wife`s life the doctor called me into a small room to explain what happened. After about 20 minutes of the doctor(Japanese doctors have a shitty bedside manner BTW) struggling to explain things to me, she offered to show me what was left of my child. She rolled a small metal operating table beside me and revealed my child to me. Viewing such a horrible and painful sight usually breaks the soul of most men. I just stared at it with a hard expression on my face. Not one tear came from my eyes as my mind tried to comprehend what I was looking at. It was as if time stopped. I could not hear or feel anything around me. It was one of the darkest experiences in my life. The after effects have been deep and extremely difficult for my wife and I. After several tests the doctor is not even sure if we will ever be able to have a child. I will never forget this experience as long as I live.
The other big thing which is pushing me to the limit is my day job. It is this job I depend on to provide for myself and my wife. I thought I knew what the term `fucked up SOB` meant but I really didn`t understand the term until working for my currently company going on three years now. I am pretty sure these people are capable of just about anything in the pursuit of money. Lack of humanity and ethics do not even start to describe what I have seen and experienced during my involvement with this company. It is the most cut-throat company I have ever worked for. They don`t give a flying fuck about anyone; not even each other. I have seen these people fuck each other over in order to save their own asses. They are vengeful and attack their own employees with the mind set `it is just business.` It has reached a point in which it is effecting me in very negative ways. If I ask for anything i.e. a paid day off, a decent work schedule in which I am not spread out all over fucking Japan, a little basic human respect, or requesting they don`t put me in abusive work environments they respond my making every situation worse or having to fight them to get even the basics done. I am starting to wonder how much longer I can put up with such people and such a company.
It is these two things which are effecting my mental health. The baby thing is just something which I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. The company thing is something which could be dealt with. If any of yall know of a decent paying teacher gig and you could get me a foot in the door let me know.