Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Shape of Things to Come

Howdy yall. Here I am again writing late at night. I feel to need to do another one of these late night writing purges. You see gang during all the earthquakes and nuclear fallout fears something far more darker is creeping my way. Truth be told, there are few things I actually fear. Yet, my deepest fear looks to be headed my way in a raw and unforgiving manner.

There are many things you can take from a man and not break him. Although, if the one thing which gives him purpose and reason for living is removed from his life he will be broken. The one thing which gives me purpose seems to be slipping away from me. I hate to admit this but I am struggling to come up with a way to keep what is so dear to my heart. My entire adult life has been focused on only one person. All I know is this one person. When I get right down to it she is my life. I know that matters of the heart is something which turns a lot of people off. There is so much pain in our post-modern world that it can be hard for others to have mercy for those whose lives are being crushed. Yet, I fear this is what is happening to me.

This might very well be the first time I have written so openly about this topic. I tend to shy away form this kind of thing when writing but this blog is an expression of my life for better or worse. It really looks like the love of my life is leaving me. It is hard to put into words how I am feeling at this moment. She really is all I know to be true and good in this dark twisted world. Things are on the verge of ending in explosive fashion. Looks as if I will lose everything this time. The hardest thing to give up is this long deep bond I have with another human being. I am 31 now so that means I have been with this gal for 12 years. As the reality of her disappearing sets in I feel something eating away at me. It started in the pit of my stomach and has been spreading throughout my body. It has made it to the tips of my fingers and has begun clouding my mind with a blanket of darkness. I have never felt this way before. I don`t know what this is exactly. I can only describe it as a kind of death.  A part of me is dying and I can feel it.

The effects are very unexpected to say the least. There is this disconnection I am feeling towards other people. I cannot feel the warmth and presence of others like I used to in the past. They are like balls of clay to me. This is not a pleasant experience. I find myself crossing the street without even looking. I have developed a total lack of concern for things around me. I have tunnel vision. I can only see my face of my darling in my mind. Everything else is just a means to an end. Work has become a chore of greed and money. As these effects set in I can see myself slowly becoming someone very different from what I am today. I really don`t want to end up one of those jaded empty souls known as divorced husbands.

Despite all of these things, I will battle on in an attempt to keep the one person who has given me purpose all these years. She really is all I know. She is so connected to my life that I fear I cannot life alone. I know it is shocking to read me write such a thing. It is shocking for me to admit this to myself. If she really does end up disappearing from my life, I will have to take a hard look at my ability to survive without her. A divorce will mean I lose almost everything. I will not have much to speak of. Living as a spartan would be calling it an understatement. I have no life to return to in the states so Japan is effectively my home. The visa issue will be a mess of shit I cannot even start to understand clearly right now. Every step of the way over the past 12 years she has been by my side helping me. It seems that she may have helped me too much as I think of all the things I will have to handle by myself.

As the situation may end up really bad I am holding on to the little hope that our bond will not be broken. The magic spark which has kept us connected all these years might somehow pull us back together. If it cannot then I face one of the darkest periods in my life.

Ah yes...the life of a ghost in Tokyo is getting complex....   

5 comments:

Chris said...

Just mentioned you in a post.

This idea might rise?

http://badboyinjapan.blogspot.com/

Soutenus said...

Just found your blog in a very serendipitous fashion.
Suffice it to say, I am so sorry you are having these heart wrenching times.
I have not read enough of your blog to know if you are a praying man -- but, if it is OK with you I will add you to my prayers.

Peace be with you.

locohama said...

Hang in there ghost! I know how you feel bruh. Recently I have had fallen ots with two of the closest people to me, my best friend of 30 years and my sister, and it has been pretty rough. But humans can be pretty risilient when we need to/have to be and things work out sometimes. Just try to keep yopur head up. I hope you can manage to resolve the issues but if not take heart in the fact that all relationships are not meant to last forever. Perhaps she was in your life to meet a need of yours and hers and that goal has been met so it's time to move on to th next challenge/endeavour. And believe me, if life has taught me anything, what's around the bend can be so worthwhile that you'd be glad you had your head up when it came your way and didn't miss it!
Good luck tp you bro!

Chris said...

I hope it works out. Some things in life are definitely worth fighting for. Stomp all over your pride (a useless thing ina love bound relationship) Beg her.

"If I have to sleep on your doorstep
all night and day just to keep you from walkin' away
let your friends laugh, even this I can stand
cause I want to keep you any way I can

Ain't too proud to beg, sweet darlin'
Please don't leave me girl, don't you go
Ain't to proud to plead, baby, baby
Please don't leave me girl, don't you go "

Aint to proud to beg..

Down on bended knee..

I'd go all in to be sure you tried it all.

That's my thinkin'

Good luck bro!!

TheGhost said...

For the love of a women there is no ends a man will go to hold on to something so rare.