So Drunk I Cannot Remember...This Shit Needs to Come to an End

Getting drunk is fun. I will never say that it is not. I have had plenty of good times, and a few bad times, getting wasted. I have endless tales of my drunken adventures I could share, if only I could remember exactly what happened. Yep, I tend to get so drunk that I have trouble remembering exactly what happened. It is a problem that needs to be dealt with. You see, I know a lot of people who get hammered on a regular basis. They will never admit it. Instead I am sure they would rather point the finger at me then face up to their own problem. It is damn easy to be a crazed drunker in Japan and get away with it. Heavy drinking is part of the culture. People get shit faced daily here. I am not the best person to give advice on drinking. I have drank myself stupid so many times that I cannot say to anyone, `You need to slow down.`

Lucky for me, I do not drink everyday. I don`t have that kind of issue with drinking. I do know a few folks you do drink everyday. That is their business and fine by me. What I am tired of doing is getting so damn drunk that I cannot remember most of what happened. I am usually able to remember everything until the point in which I either blackout or start to feel like I want to puke. After that point everything becomes fuzzy. I am simply tired of doing it. It guess binge drinking is a way to deal with the daily stress of living a very large urban area. The isolation can take its toll on me at times. I keep a lot of shit pinned up inside of me and it finally comes out though drinking or when something finally happens that pushes me over the edge. I am sure that the damn binge drinking is not a good way to deal with a mass amount of stress which has been bottled up for a while. I only end up drunk as a skunk and unable to function. Yeah, the stress gets released but I am doing more damage then good. So, I have two options: stop drinking all together or teach myself how to be a social drinker. Both sound like pretty good options to me so I have no problem making alcohol a much smaller part of my life.

It is all part of a larger process I am going though. There are things I desire to change about my life. Not putting up with people`s shit is one them and I am getting that handled currently. One of the other big things is binge drinking. It may be a normal thing here in Japan but I cannot do it anymore. It is not fun anymore. It fucks up my body and makes me a hard person to deal with. There are plenty of other things I could spend my money on than getting trashed. I am lucky I don`t do it everyday or I might be dead by now. At least once a week I have been getting shit faced beyond any acceptable level. It is going to end. I know it will make me a lot more healthy. It will also let me get inside my head easier. I would rather drink a nice cup or bottle of tea to relax than get drunk to the point of no return.

You Don`t Dismiss me...I Dismiss YOU!

You know, dealing with other`s shit is a daily struggle which everyone tries not to explode over. Usually I bite my tongue and try not to say something which will only make things worse. I don`t know if it is just my damn twisted luck, but I seem to deal with a lot of stomach zombies. I try not to say so much to these folks because I know they lack the ability to think for themselves. The best they can do is repeat what the news and authority tells them while being a little smart ass prick. It is these kind of folks who seem to fill my life with such mindless stupidity way too often.

Let me give yall a classic case example.

So, I was drinking with a guy I know recently. I have known him for a while. I like him pretty well and have hung out with him a lot. He is an alright guy to hang out with most of the time. I know from spending enough time with him that he has spent his life being fed lies and a heavy dose of brainwashing from society at large. I don`t blame him for that because most people have been though the same process and fail to break out of the cycle. Although from spending enough time with me, he should know by now that such shit does not work on me. I don`t buy into it at all. I have a free mind. I fill my head with things other than porn, sex, social dogma and lies from the powers that be. Yet, it is clear he either cannot or will not accept some basic truths about me and how I see the world.

After buying a beer and some fries, which I share, he feels it is time to get up in my shit about something. Before I go any further, the thing that really gets me is that a lot of people feel they can get up in my shit but I cannot fire back at them. Too many fucking people feel they have some kind of right to fuck with me about anything they choose. It really pisses me off! Anyway, he felt the need to give me shit because from day one of the Fukushima nuclear power plant disaster I said it is melting down. I said that on facebook and to several other people. A nuclear meltdown is something which is scary and not pleasant. It is something I never wish to see happen in any nation for any reason. Given the history of TEPCO and the Japanese government as soon as I got news about Fukushima I knew that fucker was going to experience a meltdown. The J-gov fucks up anything it touches due to greed and laziness. Sadly, it turned out that I was 100% correct. He just cannot wrap such things around his head and will believe all the lies fed to him until the day he dies.

It was fine by me for him to give me shit for saying something which turned out to be true but he had to take it a step further. He dismissed me! Yes, he had to do the one thing that is unforgivable in my mind. NO ONE DISMISSES ME! When I defended my actions he said, `Whatever. You are being combative.` Motherfucker waved his hand at me and walked off! Fuck him! Really! This is how a lot of people deal with being stood up to. They become dismissive. Well fuck all that! I don`t need such people in my life. I don`t need that childish shit in my life. So in the next few weeks I am going to dismiss a lot of fucking people from my life. I don`t need this shit anymore. I have little choice at this point but to cut out a lot of people from my life who think they have some kind of power over me. It is better to just do my own thing and avoid people who I know are a lost cause.

I cannot waste my time with stomach zombies. If someone cannot deal with my direct and no bullshit way of looking at the world. If harsh realities are too much for other`s to deal with then that is not my problem. I laugh, smile and have a lot of love in my heart but I still refuse to live my life in a fucking daze. I will always search for the truth and have no faith in governments which have proven to be trustworthy as a hungry snake. If that is too much for someone...well then fuck `em!    

The Connotative Value of `Fuck It!`

 There are few greater joys in life than experiencing the the pure essence of `Fuck It.` The phrase seems to carry nothing more than a superficial  steam release when hearing it in passing. Yet, it carries much more meaning when one considers the connotative value of the phrase.

It is easy enough to connect `Screw it` with `Fuck It` but those two phrases carry different values. When a person says Screw it, they imply that the situation is hopeless. There is really nothing left to say or do after stating Screw it. You might as well cut your losses and move on. When saying Screw it, it ends all debate and there can be no positive outcome. People are left standing beside themselves struggling to come to terms with the fact you have `walked away` from the situation suddenly. While `Screw it` breaks off all conversation on any given issue or topic, `Fuck it` takes things to a totally new level.

`Fuck It` implies that you have decided there is really only one option. The only thing that can be done is to serve up the harshest reaction to any given situation. This useful expression makes it very clear your intentions as to how you are going to resolve the situation. Your way is the only solution that really matters. It is as much of a warning as it is a statement of self-determination. Look out! A fury of pure raw take no prisoners attitude is about to be added to the mix. Fuck it! Shit is about to get real up in this motherfucker!

The Plan is Simple...Kick Ass!

The picture you see to your left was taken a few years ago in Yoyogi-park. I was fresh off the boat back then. A raw untamed southern bastard from West Virginia. I was barbaric and unfit for the Japanese public. Many thought it was a very bad idea to unleash me upon the masses in Tokyo. Yet, here I am all those years later. To tell you the truth, this city has kind of fucked my head up.

The kind of mind fuck this dirty city I call home has done to me is not entirely it`s fault. I am to blame just as much as Tokyo is for the state I have allowed myself to sink into. The god of chaos has never left me but that asshole has left me high and dry on one thing which he used to always shield me from: conformity.

Oh yeah gang! Yall would think that conformity would have little or no effect on me but sadly is has found a way to fuck my head up a bit. You see gang, I have been doing my best to pull a fast one on conformity in order to maintain a solid day job and a decent paycheck. This little game I have been playing has had the unexpected side effect of creating a duality in my mind and turning my body to shit. It can happen to the best of us and it happened to me.

I realized this a few months ago and have been in a process of purging myself of the conformity bull shit from my mind and body. A sense of new found liberty if you will. Conformity makes you give a rats ass about things which are totally shit. The idea that I should really worry about what other think of me and how that is going to effect my own happiness is fucked up! There are so many damn snakes in Tokyo that the best thing to do is ID them real quick and dismiss their ass just as fast. I really did give it my best try. Wearing the `nice guy badge` turned out to be not worth the effort. I got sucked into that shit by lust of money and the weight of Japanese corporate culture. Everyone has got to make money but all the ass kissing and political games is a waste of time in my mind. Sadly, there are so many little snakes in the grass that have been forced into a position to write off and dismiss a lot of people. I don`t like being like that but that is the way it has got to be.

Any fucking way, the next step looks to be getting under way soon. I have got to get my body back close to prime condition. I joined a gym and starting from May I am hitting the weights. I have already started to curb eating all the crap food that is so easy to grab in this city. The lifestyle here kind of pushes people to eat shit food. The world of serving the all mighty corporate grid will have a person running around like a chicken with it`s head cut off. I find myself in a hurry to go someplace I don`t want to be at way too often. That `always on the go` lifestyle equals eating grab and go shit food daily. Combine that with all the drinking and smoking and your body turns to garbage pretty quick.

I have tried to quit smoking several times and it always ended in failure. Seeing that smoking is a ball and chain I will have to carry around for a while, the best thing I can do is control it.Ten smokes a day seems like a decent level for now. I am pretty damn sure I an make that a regular level in about two weeks time. I have seen hardcore smokers toss the shit away cold turkey so I can at least put myself on a beggars ration of ten a day.

However, drinking is the weak point. Almost all of my fondest chaotic moments in my life have started and ended with alcohol. I know that is not something most people would be proud of but at least I am honest. I could write an entire book about my tales of alcohol fuel chaos and I am sure it would be a best selling; or at least hit the top 200 NYT best sellers list. Yet there has always been a line with me and alcohol that I only crossed a few times. Drinking should add to the glorious devilish fun not be the fun. As any bad ass hellbilly greaser should know, booze is your buddy not your lover. I can honestly admit that I have only used booze as a shoulder to cry on less than most of the crazed manics you will run into daily. Every time I have realized that I was using alcohol as a substitute for a lover or even emotional support I tossed the stuff in the garbage for a while. With that said, I still have to be careful about the effects of hard drinking. Drinking too much will cause weight gain. The kind of weight gain which is hard to burn off. I see so many beer bellied Japanese guys in Tokyo that is has scared me a bit. I don`t want to end up looking like that.

So the process of rebuilding my body is on. It really is time to kick some ass. 

The Shape of Things to Come

Howdy yall. Here I am again writing late at night. I feel to need to do another one of these late night writing purges. You see gang during all the earthquakes and nuclear fallout fears something far more darker is creeping my way. Truth be told, there are few things I actually fear. Yet, my deepest fear looks to be headed my way in a raw and unforgiving manner.

There are many things you can take from a man and not break him. Although, if the one thing which gives him purpose and reason for living is removed from his life he will be broken. The one thing which gives me purpose seems to be slipping away from me. I hate to admit this but I am struggling to come up with a way to keep what is so dear to my heart. My entire adult life has been focused on only one person. All I know is this one person. When I get right down to it she is my life. I know that matters of the heart is something which turns a lot of people off. There is so much pain in our post-modern world that it can be hard for others to have mercy for those whose lives are being crushed. Yet, I fear this is what is happening to me.

This might very well be the first time I have written so openly about this topic. I tend to shy away form this kind of thing when writing but this blog is an expression of my life for better or worse. It really looks like the love of my life is leaving me. It is hard to put into words how I am feeling at this moment. She really is all I know to be true and good in this dark twisted world. Things are on the verge of ending in explosive fashion. Looks as if I will lose everything this time. The hardest thing to give up is this long deep bond I have with another human being. I am 31 now so that means I have been with this gal for 12 years. As the reality of her disappearing sets in I feel something eating away at me. It started in the pit of my stomach and has been spreading throughout my body. It has made it to the tips of my fingers and has begun clouding my mind with a blanket of darkness. I have never felt this way before. I don`t know what this is exactly. I can only describe it as a kind of death.  A part of me is dying and I can feel it.

The effects are very unexpected to say the least. There is this disconnection I am feeling towards other people. I cannot feel the warmth and presence of others like I used to in the past. They are like balls of clay to me. This is not a pleasant experience. I find myself crossing the street without even looking. I have developed a total lack of concern for things around me. I have tunnel vision. I can only see my face of my darling in my mind. Everything else is just a means to an end. Work has become a chore of greed and money. As these effects set in I can see myself slowly becoming someone very different from what I am today. I really don`t want to end up one of those jaded empty souls known as divorced husbands.

Despite all of these things, I will battle on in an attempt to keep the one person who has given me purpose all these years. She really is all I know. She is so connected to my life that I fear I cannot life alone. I know it is shocking to read me write such a thing. It is shocking for me to admit this to myself. If she really does end up disappearing from my life, I will have to take a hard look at my ability to survive without her. A divorce will mean I lose almost everything. I will not have much to speak of. Living as a spartan would be calling it an understatement. I have no life to return to in the states so Japan is effectively my home. The visa issue will be a mess of shit I cannot even start to understand clearly right now. Every step of the way over the past 12 years she has been by my side helping me. It seems that she may have helped me too much as I think of all the things I will have to handle by myself.

As the situation may end up really bad I am holding on to the little hope that our bond will not be broken. The magic spark which has kept us connected all these years might somehow pull us back together. If it cannot then I face one of the darkest periods in my life.

Ah yes...the life of a ghost in Tokyo is getting complex....   

Late night Muse Part: Not Keeping numbers at this point

I have not done one of these late night thought sessions on this blog in a long time. I have posted stuff late at night a lot, but it is usually something I had planned to write about before hand. This is a little different. I am setting down and writing as it comes. Writing, it seems, is the best therapy.

Currently it seems the god of chaos has again chosen me for hardship. While I am no stranger to hard times, it never gets easier with experience. It does in fact become more intense with experience. Life appears to be an endless journey of peaks and valleys. The peaks are never high enough and the valleys never low enough. Just when it seems I have finally found the highest peak in all the world I fall headfirst into a valley. These things should be expected but it is shocking and emotionally and mentally damaging every time. Yet I still wonder if there is a way to end this cycle without also ending life itself?

If life is all about a series of tests, lessons and learning then there must come a point in which falling down happens less often. These must come a day when a person is forgiven for his/her failings as a human and the grace of the gods are blessed upon us. The pain of failure and falling from glory and happiness is harder and harder to take each time it happens. I find myself, as I do now, going over every misstep and misguided decision I took to reach the point I find myself at this moment. I know I will end up doing this for a while. Trying to find a reason to forgive myself and the situation at large.

It is during these hard times of falling down that I often think of the Japanese cherry blossom. It is one of the greatest metaphors for pure happiness and quick sudden tragedy. When the blossom first starts to show itself it is hardly noticeable. It sprouts in a very gradual and unassuming way. Before you know it, the cherry blossom surrounds you in a blanket of beauty and happiness. The blossoms can make any man smile and fill his heart with youthful glee. Yet as quickly as it beings such happiness it fades away and becomes a distant memory. Life is strange like that you know. As soon as things become pleasant; everything is worn down and reduced to a shadow of its formal goodness.

Unlike the cherry blossom, life always moves forward and never takes a break. When I fall into these dark valleys life keeps pushing on with or without me. What happens in the next few weeks is very uncertain. There is only one thing which is certain; my life will never be the same. 

Rebel Survival During the Great Japanese Earthquake of 2011: Part Two: The New Normal

So here we are one month into all of this madness and I am still still holding strong. I have not become one of the `flyjin` who bailed after the massive quake that rocked Japan. For better or worse I am here and trying to see this one out. 

When I think about I really have no other place to go. I cannot really call America home for the most part. I could go home but what would I be returning to? Going back to West Virginia would be a waste. While I love my mountain home there is very few chances for jobs or even a decent life. I grew up hard, and often reduced to damn near the level of a wild animal, and I have no wish to return to that kind of life. I got a few offers from people to come and live in other parts of America. Those tempting offers are still in the back of my mind, but for now I am staying here in Japan.

If am I going to attempt to ride this out I must adjust to the new normal. Daily earthquakes has been something which is a hell of a lot to get used to. It is really fucked up to have earthquakes as an alarm clock but this is becoming a reality. There have been so many quakes that I stopped trying to keep count. I am sure the number has got to be around 1,000 now. It is kind of like living on a trampoline; just as it seem stable you get bounced around and fall on your ass.

The radiation scares are a twist which makes everyday a little extra tense. While the government keeps telling everyone that things are okay in Tokyo, The nuclear plant in Fukushima keeps puking out radiation everyday. The Japanese government announced that Fukushima nuclear power plant is a level seven disaster. This is the worst kind of nuclear disaster. Kind of makes me really wonder about how well TEPCO is handling things. There still seems to be no real end to the whole situation. 

I am still holding out for as long as I can. I am drinking bottled water and keeping up with the latest information. It is a exciting and dark time to be in Japan.